Romance isn’t as much boring as it is fucking dead, having been dragged out back and executed shortly after the importance of the profile pic surpassed that of the phone call. If you still buy bouquets of flowers and win giant stuffed animals at carnivals, then bully for you; but you’re a dying breed, and honestly, we here at the Reader couldn’t care less about your romantic conquests. We want the dirt, the tragedy, the hate (i.e., we want to feel better about ourselves).

So to do proper justice to Valentine’s Day in this age of romantic ignorance, we asked that you share your least romantic tales (and tweets). To show how the death of romance has been in the making for several years now, we delved deep into the Reader archives and extracted a selection of dismal Missed Connections submissions from the 90s—because what’s more libido killing than shopping at the Gap and Rollerblading? For those of you who simply refuse to give up on this most outdated of holidays, we sought out the most digestible Valentine’s Day dining menus, as well as the best goings-on around the, ahem, holiday (of course, we couldn’t help but throw in our own Anti-Valentine’s Day party at Logan Square Auditorium). And for the hell of it—and it was torture, for sure—we built a flowchart to instruct you on how to be romantic this Valentine’s Day. Heed our advice with caution, though. One small misstep and you’re sure to die alone.