Albert Einstein: The Incorrigible Plagiarist by Christopher Jon Bjerknes (XTX Inc., $19.95).

Synopsis: Contrary to historical consensus, Albert Einstein stole the theory of relativity. On top of that he was a “stumbling sadistic brute” and “perhaps even a foul-mouthed syphilitic whore monger.”

Representative Quote: “Albert would often simply agree with whomever he had last spoken….Upon meeting with colleagues, he would often grill them for information on their theories, seemingly soaking it all in, perhaps to repeat it later as his own.”

Noteworthy Flaw: Oily “disclaimer” that “neither the author, nor the publisher, have any responsibility or liability for any harm, loss or damage” caused by the “completeness, or the accuracy, or the adequacy, of any information in this book.”

Please Stop Laughing at Me…One Woman’s Inspirational Story by Jodee Blanco (Adams Media, $12.95).

Synopsis: In her memoir about being bullied, the author, a serial snitch, drags herself through elementary, junior high, and high school in a hail of insults and spitballs–weeping and aching to be accepted, one assumes, so she can earn new confidences to betray.

Representative Quote: “I didn’t want to tattle on my classmates, but I couldn’t stand lying to Sister Clara again….’Jo Ellen and Greg,’ I confessed. ‘They started it.'”

Noteworthy Flaw: After grittily surviving a hellish childhood, author spreads her wings and finds true happiness at last–as a book publicist.

Cell Phones: Invisible Hazards in the Wireless Age by Dr. George Carlo and Martin Schram (Carroll & Graf, $14).

Synopsis: Researcher who ten years ago found cell phones to be safe changes his mind: they might cause genetic damage and brain tumors after all. Reassuring studies are combed for worrisome tidbits. We need lots more research.

Representative Quote: “While a number of early studies had indeed shown no genetic effects, Carlo and his team of experts had grown to doubt the validity of the in vitro exposure systems under which they had been done.”

Noteworthy Flaw: With every single person in America blabbing on their cell phones 24 hours a day, why bother with research? If the things really are dangerous, we should all be keeling over any minute now.