From the pages of babysue ¥ Volume 6, Issue 4 (PO Box 8989, Atlanta, GA 31106-8989; $3)

Excerpts from:

Why Kids Kill

By “Husky Don” W. Seven

What is happening in our society? Have we completely lost our sense of dignity and responsibility? Whatever happened to ideas like common decency and individual responsibility? Why are more and more violent crimes being committed each year? And why are the perpetrators of these crimes getting younger and younger over time? A great many sociologists and anthropologists have spent their lives trying to find the answers to questions such as these. Because comprehensive answers to this complex question are much too exhaustive for a single article, we have compiled information from a variety of sources to try and determine the most common reasons why children murder. After reviewing a vast array of resources in the United States and abroad, our scholars and specialists found the following reasons to be the most common.

i Because it is exciting. By and large, most children are just looking for excitement. Most of them find their families and schools dreadfully boring, and they are willing to do practically anything to break the painful monotony of day-to-day life.

i Because all the other kids are doing it. Children like to fit in with the crowd, and they rarely consider the consequences. If the majority of children are into any specific activity, most children will also want to take part in it. Kids seek acceptance from their peers, and they consider it very important to be perceived as “being cool.”

i Because they want other people dead. An often overlooked reason why children kill is that they simply want to wipe specific people off the face of the earth, and killing them is the simplest and most effective way of achieving this goal.

i Because of acne. Never underestimate the heartbreak and frustration that is associated with severe cases of blemishes and pimples. Children whose faces are an embarrassing mass of bloody bumps are children who have the potential to do serious harm to large numbers of people at any given moment. Parents should be forewarned that social deviance most often goes hand in hand with a severe case of blackheads.

i Because they can’t decide what to do when they grow up. It is very difficult to be a child and know that whatever you want to be when you grow up will eventually become boring and annoying. The knowledge that any chosen profession will eventually become lame and crappy is a great cause for concern for many children, and they may cope with this confusion by learning how to use a semiautomatic assault weapon.

i Because of Monica Lewinsky. Seeing Monica Lewinsky’s face or hearing her name too often has been shown to be the biggest single cause of violence in the United States today. Because her name and face so heavily saturate the news, there are bound to be dire consequences.

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Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): zine cover.