By Erik Darmon

That’s right–you just might be the next Ryan Idol. As a matter of fact, you probably already are, because gay men have been simulating the synthetic reality of gay jerk-off magazine models and porn-movie actors for quite some time. Whether it be through body image, fashion, or sexual activity, it’s clear that the eroticized fantasy world of porn has cleverly made itself at home among the real-life experiences of gay men. Think about your own life, and you’ll soon realize that gay men act amazingly similar to the oiled-down and muscle-bound love gods found in our favorite pleasure-media. If you are gay, rejoice, for you are well on your way to a rewarding life of sexual debauchery, vapid social exchange, and an endless supply of crispy-white Calvins.

So, let’s get you started on your road to hot action. First, strip down naked to your white socks. Stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your reflection. If you have hair anywhere other than your head or armpits, then we have some work to do. In keeping with the pre-pubescent “boy-next-door” image so popular in gay porn, your body must be clean and smooth, which translates into removal of all unsightly body hair. Oh, and speaking of physique, you probably noticed that your body could use a little work.

As in the porn world, you must have protruding pecs, a tight butt, ripped abs, and bulging biceps if you want to play with the boys. If not, you’d better have a knockout face or an endowment worthy of Jeff Stryker. You need to outfit that perfect body with the proper porn attire. Let’s begin with underwear, as there is no part of a gay man’s wardrobe more valuable. Stick with the classic white brief (a favorite of porn characters). Sure, some guys prefer boxers or thongs, but they just don’t look as sexy being torn off in the back of a UPS delivery truck. Next, pull on a pair of Levi’s 501s and witness the transformation from sports-hating and opera-loving queen to all-American, macho stud. Porn characters are butch, athletic he-men with a lust for seemingly hetero lifestyles–rather than a concern for floral arrangements–so it’s only fitting that you lose the taffeta and silk for crotch-and-butt-hugging denim for your man-hunting adventures.

Finally, it’s time to get your pretty ass out of the house and find a scenario suitable for any respectable porn actor. When meeting a new “trick,” you can forget about trying to impress him with intelligence, culture, or philosophical babble, because if you’re not talking about the latest episode of Absolutely Fabulous or the Versace fall collection, you’re just wasting your breath. Porn characters don’t waste their time building relationships based on words, but on actions (and lots of them). However, if your conversation drifts into the dreaded area of personal employment, remember gay men couldn’t possibly be hairdressers, nurses, or flight attendants. You’re part of porn reality now–where construction workers, delivery men, farm hands, auto mechanics, ski instructors, lifeguards, gardeners, and pool cleaners reign supreme.

Once you get your catch home, remember the bed is the last place a porn star has sex. Try the couch, dining room table, kitchen counter, bathroom sink, or fire escape. If you didn’t make it home, try a back alley, storage room, gas station garage, or a construction site. Once you’re finished, make the move to end the encounter fast. Forget about slumber parties–there’s no time for sleepovers when you have to get on to the next “scene.”