From the pages of mister density
The unofficial Crispin H. Glover fanzine!
Issue #7, Summer ’96 (P.O. Box 172, Westview Station, Binghamton, NY 13905; $2 per issue)
TO HELL WITH BLOCKBUSTER
By Generic Mike
Recently I was browsing through the used and discarded videos at my local Blockbuster Video, where among the seemingly endless copies of Ernest Goes to Camp and Dorf on Golf was Crispin’s made-for-TV movie, High School U.S.A. I quickly snatched up this prize before it could fall into the wrong hands and threw it on the counter along with my cash. The kid behind the register did a contrived double take at the cover, rolled his eyes, and with all the smarm a drama- school dropout could muster, sighed a strained “Why?” “Crispin Glover!” I mewled, my eyes all aglow. Never mind this is the fifth Crispin video I’ve rescued from the castaway bin of a chain that doesn’t recognize any sort of art or quality as it pretends to be a leader in the “fight” for “family values.” Never mind I was willing to pay cold hard cash for this movie, regardless of how good or bad it is–and let’s not kid ourselves, I know it’s an awful flick. The truth is, I was being ridiculed for a purchase by some schmuck who spends his dateless nights working for a company big enough that it should have brainwashed him better than that. Well, all acts of revenge were put aside when I watched High School U.S.A. again and realized what lies in store for those who mess with Crispin.
Anthony Edwards plays the King of the Preppy Jocks at Excelsior High. His job, of course, is to push around the nerds of the school, like Michael J. Fox (well, who wouldn’t?), Todd Bridges (obviously Anthony hadn’t heard of Todd’s concealed weapons charges), and Crispin. Anthony does unspeakable evil acts, such as not inviting nerdy Crispin to his Big Party. King Anthony even goes so far as to get his gang’s girlfriends to cause Crispin to wreck his dad’s car! Sure, by the end of the film Anthony loses his girlfriend (Nancy McKeon) to nerd M.J. Fox, but that’s probably more of an act of mercy than punishment. Alas, much worse fates await poor Anthony.
One of Mr. Edwards’s next roles is, not surprisingly, King of the Nerds in Revenge of the Nerds. Quite a karmic kick in the tush if ever there was one. Sure the movie is leagues better than High School U.S.A., and Edwards fronts a great Devo rip-off, but did anyone ever think, “Boy, I can really get into that character? That really speaks to my soul?” Hell, no.
Anthony takes an even deeper descent yet on TV’s Northern Exposure as Mike, the man in the bubble. So weakened and defenseless since his Cris dis, Anthony must spend his six-month-long Alaskan days in fear of contact with virtually all matter on earth. Not only that, but he’s cursed with the affections of Maggie, the cold northern mankiller whose boyfriends have all been mysteriously offed. Above all, Anthony plays a whiner, and everyone hates a whiner.
By this time in Anthony Edwards’s career, Crispin has apparently seen him suffer many times over, enough to have atoned for his great sins. Edwards is rewarded by becoming the charming, personable resident doctor of TV’s ER, but still in a position which shall remind him constantly of the suffering he could have continued to experience.
The moral of this story is obvious. Don’t mess with Crispin Glover. There is still time to become one of the chosen few who realize the mastery of his work and craft. And above all, do not patronize the godforsaken Blockbuster Video chain, which wishes only to extinguish all Crispin from its overpriced, impersonal, and sterile shelves. You just might become trapped there when the Apocalypse begins!
Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): zine cover.