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(The first in a series of Oulipian twists this week on a classic joke. First read the template duck joke on our, uh, website. You’ll also find guidelines there for offering your own Oulipian version of the story, which could win you a memorable prize.)

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on the stool, asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, Rick Perry, says, “Hey, sure, pardner! We got two kinds: one’s got seeds, and—oh, hell, what’s the other kind again?”

Next day the duck returns, hops up on a stool, asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, Newt Gingrich, says, “I am appalled that you would ask that question.”