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The Bears really suck this year. Every other team is better than the Bears. What can we do to make the Bears great—sorry, make sure the Bears don’t suck anymore? Also, after today’s game, whom do we hate more, the Vikings or the Lions? There are some subtle differences between them. Like, the Vikings are from Minnesota and the Lions are from Michigan. Both of which went to Trump. Um, never mind.

Did you know that researchers at the Field Museum have recently discovered, thanks to a clutch of fossilized eggs in Oaxaca, that turkeys were first domesticated 1,500 years ago? There’s a new restaurant in Uptown that serves Oaxacan food. Maybe they have turkey. Mexican food is so awesome. Did I ever tell you all about the first time I tried mezcal? Mexico is so awesome—too bad Trump wants to build a wall. Sorry, scrap that.

Wow, this food sure is good! These mashed potatoes are so creamy. This gravy is so smooth; there’s nary a lump to be found. And soon we’ll get to have pie! Did you know that mince was once the great American pie? But then it disappeared, no one knows why. Somebody probably realized that apple is better and mince is just a loser pie that causes nightmares. Sad! No! I did not mean to say that! I do need to alter my rhetoric. Thank you for that observation. Can we talk about something else now?

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It’s finally gotten cold! Isn’t it nice to wear sweaters again and sit in front of the fire? Soon it will snow, probably. Here in Chicago, anyway. It has already snowed in other parts of the country. Will it be an usually cold winter? Will fuel prices go up? Will we always be coal dependent? Trump says he will save the coal industry. Crap. I need a minute.

I’m going to go outside for a second. It’s not that cold, global warming is just a hoax anyway. YES I REALLY DID QUIT SMOKING TEN YEARS AGO! I JUST NEED A MOMENT TO MYSELF!

Fine, if it really means that much to you, yes, yes, I will do the dishes. I will do all of the dishes. All by myself.