Four days after discovering the unexpected prevalence of Sex Pistols fans in the mafia, I was still feeling pretty euphoric over it when I was confronted with something almost equally mind-blowing: former teen heartthrob and “That’s How I Beat Shaq” singer Aaron Carter taking to Instagram to announce to the world that he was attacked on the streets of Boston by a quartet of very devoted New Kids on the Block Fans.
It is an incredible story, both in the sense that it’s jaw-droppingly amazing and in the sense that it is almost certainly untrue. While Boston does have a documented history of converting youth culture into gang violence, applying Occam’s Razor to what I know about Boston dudes, there are a myriad of reasons that Carter may have been beat up in Boston that don’t involve a bunch of typical Boston bros publicly announcing that they’re diehard NKOTB fans. That could include some sort of deal gone wrong, Carter not being a Bruins fan, or that the Bostonians involved were bored and wanted to beat somebody up.
On the other hand, I haven’t seen any definitive evidence that Carter wasn’t jumped on the street by dudes yelling “This is the town of the New Kids,” or that Carter isn’t a “6th degree black belt in Muay Thai,” as he also claims. And since the universe is what you make of it, I choose to believe, in the absence of proof otherwise, that Aaron Carter is a wicked martial arts expert and that if you’re a male pop star heading to Boston, you need to make sure to kiss the NKOTB ring or you might get jumped. Which, out of the two options, is by far the more interesting universe to live in.