Dear John Adams:
This might come as a surprise—as if anyone, anywhere could still be surprised by anything I do—but I am reaching out to let you know about a tremendous idea that popped into my head while I was participating in the last Republican debate.
This absolutely amazing idea, and you’re gonna love it, is—are you ready?—Trump, the Opera.
It came to me very, very complete, except, of course, for the music, which is where you come in.
Isn’t that great? Didn’t you maybe already think a little bit about it yourself?
In all honesty, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did, because this is how it works: Very creative minds think alike! Especially if one of them already wrote an opera about Nixon!
And also because this presidential race is so absolutely amazing and operatic. Believe me, it’s worthy of a big orchestra!
Which is why we need to get on it before Houston Grand Opera or another company in some other godforsaken place decides to commission it and we lose control of the deal.
Or, heaven forbid, Elton John turns it into Trump, the Musical.
I love Elton John. I wish him well. But that would be a terrible mistake.
Because only opera can do this presidential campaign justice.
And I have a plan for it. A really great plan. You won’t believe it, but listen to this: the Donald role goes to a countertenor!
I’m thinking David Daniels. He’s amazing. Totally Baroque. I love baroque. If anybody was ever baroque, it’s me.
Any of those fat-boy tenors you see around could be Chris Christie. There are thousands of them. I think I have a few hundred working for me at Mar-a-Lago. And by the way, I’ve built a very big business there, a tremendous business.
But we’ll need a loser baritone for Cruz. I hope we don’t have to import him. If we do, and that would be disgusting, Mexico will pay. We don’t want any immigrants except gorgeous Slovenian sopranos.
Little Marco? That’s an excellent question. It’s a trouser role.
So, you’re in, right? Am I right? Let’s make opera great again!
Sincerely, your friend and future president,