I’m writing this from a steel-encased bunker 200 feet below ground level in New Mexico, where I’ve been relocated by the federal government following my bad review of The Dark Knight Rises. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to come home, and the authorities won’t allow me to contact my wife, so if you see her, please tell her I’m OK. It’s lonely down here, and there’s nothing to do besides watch DVDs on a flat-screen TV. Cruelly, the only titles they have are Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and a bunch of other superhero blockbusters. I wonder if this will be my life from now on, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed by despair. But I know in my heart that I did the right thing, because the new Batman movie is a dud.