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  • National pundits don’t understand why Chicagoans aren’t falling for Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

I’d like to take a moment to show a little love for Maggie Haberman, a senior political reporter for Politico, who’s apparently the first national pundit to make the startling discovery that Chicagoans don’t like Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

She wrote a good story with this great headline: “Rahm Emanuel: D.C. hero, Chicago goat.” Here, read it for yourself.

This revelation must be jarring to all those national pundits who really, really love Mayor Rahm. They’re probably wondering: how could so many Chicagoans be so wrong about Mr. Right?

The pundits’ love is so strong that it compels them to write that he is “a full human being, rich and fertile from the inside out.”

I’m still wondering how New York Times columnist David Brooks got that baby past the copy desk.

In fact, so many national pundits have crushes on Mayor Rahm that I have created a theorem, which you are free to quote:

The farther you live from Chicago, the more you’ll like Mayor Rahm.

The converse is obviously true as well.

I think the national writers’ love for the mayor goes back to his days as White House chief of staff, when he controlled access to President Obama.

I have a theorem about that too: your chances of getting that special, one-on-one with the president are contingent on how far you’re willing to stick your head up Rahm’s—well, I think you can guess how that theorem ends.

Apparently, so many reporters have been asking Emanuel why Chicagoans don’t like him that he’s come up with a clever response, which goes like this:

As their fearless leader, I’ve had to make tough decisions that they, the little people, don’t like.

You know, like it’s our fault we don’t like him.

I could go on and on about why Chicagoans don’t care for this mayor, but I’ll spare you the recitation.

Other than to remind you of the school closings. And the clinic closings. And cooking the crime stats in the middle of a crime wave. (Good job on that one, David Bernstein and Noah Isackson.)

Also, installing all those red light and speed cameras, which he, the mayor, gets to drive through.

There was also the time he suggested Bobby Hull was dead when he’s very much alive. OK, maybe I’m the only one still upset about that.

And the—wait! I was going to spare you the recitation.

My suggestion to the mayor is to make like George Aiken. He’s the former senator from Vermont who counseled President Johnson to declare victory in Vietnam—whether we were victorious or not—and then pull the troops.

In Mayor Emanuel’s case, he should call a press conference with his favorite reporters and declare that he achieved all his goals and is moving on to become the head of a hedge fund—a job he’d probably be good at.

Then we could just pretend this whole mayoral thing never happened.