It probably makes me a bad person that I’m feeling slightly happy over the news that Dan Deacon had a cherished stage prop stolen from him. I mean, it’s true that I’ve had to endure the blazing Technicolor annoyance machine that is his live show several times, and been in dozens of arguments with people who insist Deacon isn’t the worst thing since car accidents, but I shouldn’t let myself sink so low that I find joy in the extreme amount of emotional trauma this sweaty man-child is suffering through. To my shame, I’m even feeling a little civic pride that the theft occurred in Chicago. What a fucking bastard I am.
Lissen up—if you stole dude’s beloved green skull, send it back to him. If you did it to fuck with his little head, you’ve done well. If you did it out of some misguided infatuation with him, well, I’m sure you’ll grow out of that eventually—hopefully soon. Either way, MySpace the guy, or if you are, as Deacon writes in an atypical aggro outburst, a “thief coward,” you can email firstname.lastname@example.org to arrange delivery. Before you do so, please take many pictures of the skull in hilarious settings and e-mail them to me. I’m sure I’ll feel terrible about enjoying them.