I enjoyed the car horns, and the fireworks, and even the plastic horns last night, but I almost lost it when someone started playing “Chelsea Dagger” outside my window at midnight, though I decided to put off chasing people off the stoop with a broom until I’m older. Look: if you watch as much sports as I do, that damned Amstel commercial has to have already killed the song. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I also watched hockey.

Anyway, for next year, can they switch to Lou Rawls’s “Dead End Street” (“I was born in a city the called the Windy City / And they called it the Windy City because of the Hawk. / The hawk. The almighty Hawk / Mr. Wind / Takes care of plenty business around winter time”)?

[The title of the post might actually be from “Tom’s Diner.” I’m out of graph paper.]