This year Illinois is losing a House seat, but we picked up two SPLC-official hate groups, including the awesomely acronymed H.O.M.E., or “Heterosexuals Organized for a Moral Environment.”

I had not previously heard of H.O.M.E. It turns out that, as far as anti-gay organizations go, they’re really for the true connoisseurs: “The esoteric all-male group known as Freemasonry (or Masonry) has been controversial for many many years, and has been connected to the homosexual movement for many years by a number of researchers.”

Even better: “There is strong evidence that some movies are being manipulatively used by heterophobic homosexual directors/producers to psychologically condition men to bond with other men at the expense of women.” This has not been my experience, but I grew up in the rom/com era, well past the golden age of gladiator and war movies.

But they’re not sticks in the mud. Not hardly! According to H.O.M.E., while they can’t specifically recommend doing it in an uncomfortable place, anal sex is your constitutional right as a het. Now that’s what I call strict constructionism.