• Cyclonebill via Wikimedia Commons
  • Gross, just look at it

In honor of summer and backyards, I’ve been hanging around a lot of barbecues as of late. Most have been obscenely sweaty affairs, filled with yellowed pit stains and glazed-over looks of exhaustion and defeat. But like any good American, you suffer through the rising temperatures, drink a can of Budweiser, and wait for your burger. Do you think old George Washington was going to disperse his army during the brutal winter months at Valley Forge? Was there ever any doubt that Mel Gibson would avenge Heath Ledger’s death in The Patriot, bayonet-through-the-neck style? Certainly not! Consider the sacrifices of your founding fathers, for Christ’s sake.

Of course with any good barbecue comes a deep roll call of condiments and a host of “salads”—chicken salad, potato salad, pasta salad, etc—prepared by invited guests, bless their hearts. Unfortunately for the salads, however, many contain the highly questionable, creamy white substance congealed from egg yolks, oil, salt, and vinegar.