In the mayors office, theres no news but good news!

As a break from the ceaseless news of carnage, waste, and corruption, I’d thought I’d bring you some good news, Chicago.

We have many great restaurants in this town!

I learned this from a press release sent out by Mayor Emanuel’s press office that’s headlined in big bold letters: “STATEMENT FROM MAYOR EMANUEL ON CHICAGO RESTAURANTS RATED AS FOUR AND FIVE DIAMOND BY AAA.”

With bated breath I moved on to read the mayor’s statement.

“I congratulate all of the Chicago restaurants recognized by AAA with Four and Five Diamond ratings. Chicago offers a rich history of diverse food culture and unique culinary experiences. The Second City is second to none in first-rate dining and world-class food.”

That’s right, people—second to none!

The subject of the daily mayoral press releases is something of an inside joke among local reporters, who generally agree that not even Mayor Daley was so shameless in his efforts to turn absolutely everything into spin.

Not that I’m complaining. I love the mayor’s press releases! They’re always so bright and cheery and informative.

For instance, without a mayoral press release I wouldn’t have known that Chicago skipped ahead of Boston, moving from tenth to ninth place in the all-important ranking of overseas tourism by the U.S. Department of Commerce.

Hear that, Chicago? We’re number nine!

As you can see, that NATO summit is really paying off.

In some cases, the mayor just wants to tell us what he’s up to. Like his January 6 release notifying reporters that he will “greet and thank snow clearing teams from the Department of Streets and Sanitation at the ‘salt station'” at Grand and Rockwell.

Good god—as if those poor bastards haven’t suffered enough from the ice and cold.

I hope the mayor refrained from warning them he was cutting their pensions—like he used to do with firefighters when he dropped in on their stations.

Sometimes the mayor feels an urge to let us know what he thinks about events in the news—like his recent press release headlined “Statement from Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Frank Thomas and Greg Maddux’s Election to the Baseball Hall of Fame.”

I got a little nervous when I saw that. It’s always dangerous to get the mayor talking about sports, as Blackhawks legend Bobby Hull learned last year.

The good news is that the mayor managed to get in and out of that statement without prematurely killing either Thomas or Maddux.

Keep us posted, Mayor E.!