I feel like the Sun-Times and the RedEye let me down today: no reason to make the latest high profile athlete decadence your feature story–Cedric Benson getting hauled in for alleged drunken boating–if you can’t do any better than BENSON IN HOT WATER or TROUBLED WATERS.

Hmm. SALT WATER AND PEPPER SPRAY? Nah, it was on a lake. WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR? If he gets convicted, that has to be the headline. How about: THE CONSTABLE HAD TO COME AND TAKE HIM AWAY.