You know you were waiting for this, and now McSweeney’s has it for you: All Known Metal Bands by Dan Nelson. Outdated within seconds of its publication, of course. I like the disclaimer of “known,” though. By whom? Might there be an undiscovered species of metal creature, or some type of fundamental subatomic metal particle undreamt of by theoretical physicists? (The Large Hadron Collider is sort of metal, in that there’s an infinitesimal chance it’ll create a black hole to swallow us all. Otherwise it’s just, as a British rag called it, “the ultimate historical re-enactment society.”)

From the blurb: “This volume contains the names of over fifty thousand metal bands. If one presumes that each of these bands had an average of four members, and multiplies that by the bands, one might figure that at least a quarter of a million humans have pledged allegiance to one of these groups of wandering beasts.”

Have you ever heard of a metal band that had only four members? Like, over the course of its existence? I await the first Million Metalhead March, to put the lie to this scandalously timid reckoning!