Yesterday, my morning edition of the Sun-Times—hand-delivered as always—featured one of the most entertaining stories I’ve read all year: Mark Brown’s column about Eddie Acevedo Jr.’ s prodigious, obscenity-laced, late-night phone call to Alderman Danny Solis.
I, for one, think Acevedo’s oration should be in the curriculum of the high school civics classes the state’s requiring students to take—just to let the kiddies know what Chicago politics is really all about.
Acevedo was blaming the 25th Ward alderman for the loss his brother Alex suffered to Theresa Mah in the race for state representative in the Second District. The seat’s currently held by Eddie Acevedo—the proud papa of Alex and Eddie Jr.—who’s retiring this year.
The Acevedos are the last in the line of the Hispanic Democratic Organization, whose members pride themselves on being tough, bare-fisted political brawlers.
So not only did it hurt that they lost. But to the Acevedos what was worse is that they lost to a girl!
No wonder Eddie was in a sour mood when he called Solis at 12:40 in the morning to let him know exactly how he felt.
In my opinion, Acevedo’s tirade ranks third in the list of F-bomb dropping rants by Chicago personalities.
Number two on the list is Ozzie Guillen’s outburst against the White Sox, the team he used to manage.
That one went like this . . .
“I work in this job for money. I don’t work for nothing. Money. That’s it. The ring? Fuck the ring. I don’t even wear my fucking rings. . . . If I leave here, I will say, ‘I leave here because I want to make my fucking money.’ You know why? Because no fucking fans, no fucking Jerry Reinsdorf or fucking anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.”
God, I miss Ozzie.
Number one on the list is former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s observations on the team’s fans, which comes off like an extended guitar solo by Jimi Hendrix in all its rhetorical flourish. Sample bit . . .
“Eighty-five percent of the fuckin’ world’s workin’. The other 15 [percent] come out here. . . . Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them country cocksuckers.”
Thank you, once again, Les Grobstein for capturing Elia’s great moment.
The problem with the Sun-Times‘s rendition of Acevedo’s aria is that it didn’t spell everything out—what with the Bright One being a family newspaper and all.
Instead, Brown gives us only the first letter, followed by some dashes. So it’s like doing a motherbleepin’ crossword puzzle.
For instance, there’s this sentence by Acevedo:
“We lost the election because of your b—— ass, m—————— b—— ass. So remember that, m——————-.”
And this one . . .
“So when I see you, it’s m—————— on. OK? You can take that message at it is, bro. Because you f——- our family. Remember that, m—————-. Eddie Jr., b——.”
For help in deciphering exactly what Acevedo was saying, I turned to my wife, who was upstairs doing her morning yoga.
“Hey, honey,” I yelled up the stairs. “What’s a 13-letter word that begins with M?”
“Don’t bother me,” she said. “I’m doing my sunrise salutations.”
In desperation, I turned to my old friend Milo, who knows more about cursing than anyone I know, having grown up in Gary, Indiana, and served in the army.
“Hey, Milo,” I said. “What’s a 13-letter word that begins with M?”
“Benny,” he told me, “I’m pretty sure its a two-part word. The first part is mother, and the second part rhymes with trucking.”
“Frucking?”
“You’re getting close . . . “
Anyway, I want to thank Mark Brown for writing a column that made my day.
I also must point out that the column was pretty much hand-delivered by Danny Solis and his aldermanic pal, Rick Munoz—talk about Christmas comes early for a columnist.
So let me close with this message for my old friends, Aldermen Solis and Munoz . . .
“The next time you two m————————— pieces of s——- have a big f—————— scoop like that, give it to me. Or you can kiss my fat, hairy m—————— ass! OK? Benny Jay, b——!”