Mr. Chairman, delegates, I accept your nomination for President of the United States of America.

I do so with humility, deeply moved by the trust you have placed in me. It is a great honor. It is an even greater responsibility.

I will be using the word great often tonight, because this is a great country, and because the word great has done great in focus groups.

For our next vice president, I have chosen a man with a big heart from a small town. I love the way he lights up around his kids, and how he’s not embarrassed to show the world how much he loves his mom. Any of you women out there, I hope you noticed too.