Kyle Schwarber, the Cubs’ slugging left fielder, needs a nickname. TV announcers at the first playoff game against the Mets tried out “the Hulk,” which is lame. Reader alum Neil Tesser, the Grammy-winning jazz writer, tells me he’s heard other broadcasters trying to promote the “New Baby Bull.” First baseman Orlando Cepeda was the original Baby Bull half a century ago. Boxer Juan Diaz is the Baby Bull today. Back in the 1920s, heavyweight Luis Firpo was the Wild Bull of the Pampas.
Let’s put a fork in that one.
Ted Cox, writing for the Bleader, just nominated “Vavoom.” I don’t know what to say about that except, well, it wouldn’t have occurred to me.
I have another idea.
Schwarbatron, The Hulk, Smash, Schwarbinator, The Schwarbernator, Schwarbageddon, Fat Lefty, Schwarberger King, Charles Schwarb, Big Boy.
Schwarber the Barbarian, Kyle the Schwarbarian, The Hitman, The Hoosier Hitman, Hoosier Daddy, The Middletown Muscle, The Lumber, The Lumberyard, Bamm-Bamm, The Big Schwarbowski, Tonka Toy.
The Blond Bomber, Plug, Homer Kyle, Tank, Schwarbwarrior, The Investment, The Big Schwarb, Mr. Club, K-Schwarb, May The Schwarb Be With You.
The Magnificent Kyle, Stump The Schwarb, Man O’ Schwarb, Schwarbiscuit, Schwarbretariat, The Cubbie Crusher, The Fifth Greatest Living Player.
The Schwarbmeister, Schwabie, K-Car, Klutch, Kber, The Big Swish, The Hitman.
My favorite reader suggestion? Schwar Machine. I’m still open for business, but you’re going to have to work hard to beat that one.
I don’t know how hard he worked, but Tesser beat all of those silly. He drew on his command of American popular culture, in this case the old comic strip Nancy, and came up with the perfect tag for the most lovable of the Lovable Lofters.
Here’s Schwarber’s slugging percentage for the 2015 season: .487
And for the Pittsburgh and Saint Louis rounds of the postseason: 1.231.
And here’s Schwarber. Alongside him, that’s Nancy’s best friend, Sluggo:
Sluggo’s an icon. Schwarber couldn’t do better.