• This is Shoenice.

There’s a lot of weird shit out there on the Internet. So much so that if you were asked, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen on the Internet?,” you’d probably have a really difficult time thinking of an answer. But I’m pretty set on accepting Shoenice as the Web’s most bizarre. There’s not a whole lot of information out there on Shoenice, but I have gathered this much: Christopher “Shoenice” Schewe is a mid-40s Gulf War veteran who has made a name on YouTube posting videos of himself eating strange things. Strange things like entire rolls of toilet paper, sticks of deodorant, and bottles of Elmer’s glue. These “stunts” have garnered him more than 54 million views over the past two years. Fifty-four. MILLION. He’s like the “Gangnam Style” of depravity.

Somewhere along the way, I found myself fascinated with Shoenice. I am by no means proud of my love for Shoenice videos—I’ll be the first to admit that watching a video of a middle-aged man sitting by himself and eating an entire birthday cake (including the burning candles) is more than just a little dark. So naturally I’m not proud to admit that when Shoenice posted his phone number to Facebook on Saturday morning, I immediately picked up my phone to call him. I got his voicemail, hung up, and didn’t think anything else of it.

That is until I got a handful of blocked phone calls a few minutes later. I answered one, and it was from what sounded like a prepubescent boy telling me to fuck off. It was when I answered another to hear someone impersonating Shoenice’s video introduction line (“Hey everyone, Shoenice again,” as demonstrated in this video of him eating a dozen raw eggs, shells and all) that I started to realize I had made a huge mistake. Curiosity was about to kill the cat.