1. An Indiana family-values pimp laid pipe in state parks with a woman not his wife, and he’s resigning. (Remember, kids: wait until you’re old enough to cheat responsibly.) Video of him talking abstinence with his mistress is going around the Web; that sort of thing has always perplexed me, but if you look at it as pillow talk, it suddenly makes a lot more sense. You can almost feel the sexual tension.

2. Bristol Palin is available, at the low low price of between half and all my income per speech, to recommend not fucking before marriage. This is pretty low-hanging fruit of temptation, but my favorite part is that she cut her teeth as an abstinence spokesteen for the Candie’s Foundation, brought to you by a company that makes Forever 21 look like Ann Taylor:

They’re not down there trying to sniff your panties; they’re trying to take your wallet.