The Great Lakes’ water levels are sinking, and along with them ship loads, and thus profits, are shrinking. What’s the problem? Bad luck is some of it, obviously, but I’ll bet you can guess one of the leading theories:

“Most environmental researchers say that low precipitation, mild winters and high evaporation, due largely to a lack of heavy ice covers to shield cold lake waters from the warmer air above, are depleting the lakes. The Great Lakes follow a natural cycle, their levels rising in the spring, peaking in the summer and reaching a low in the winter, as the evaporation rate rises.”

In other words, global warming. That, and we freaking tore a hole in them and the Great Lakes are leaking.

Whatever: no one will admit it, but clearly the Illuminati are draining the lakes. Gerald Ford is also involved somehow (scroll down to the part about Grand Rapids High School). The upshot is that we’re well on our way to creating Garrison Keillor’s fabled tourist destination, Lake Superior Canyon.

Related: From February, Edward McClelland rides along on a Great Lakes steel freighter.