To: Cubs fans, Chicago media
From: A fan of your more sensible Central Division rivals

I realize that the departure of Sammy Sosa was acrimonious, but: YOU MUST CHILL. I HAVE HIDDEN YOUR KEYS.

And while I also realize that Sosa may have looked somewhat odd at a recent social function, and that journalism is expected to, for better or worse, enforce certain social norms by discouraging famous people from violating a (floating) limit of oddness – as a proxy for the behavior of the rest of society – but this continued judgmental obsession with the behavior of a former and formerly beloved employee of the Chicago Cubs is: also extremely unsettling.

You are collectively being the person who is Googling his or her ex years later to see if he or she is doing worse than you, and you need to collectively go to a bar or get a hobby because you are collectively bumming your friends out.