• Famous Rubens painting of protected sex

The candidate was rethinking his position on rape.

“When I was but a boy,” he confided to a trusted aide, “my daddy used to say, ‘If rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it.’ I always thought that was pretty much the last word on the subject, and over the years it’s a philosophy that’s served our party well. But now I’m not so sure. This Akin fellow in Missouri has put together some impressive medical research.”

“Apparently enjoying it gets you knocked up,” said the aide.

“It turns out those feelings of terror and humiliation are God’s way of stepping in with a prophylactic,” said the candidate.

“The Lord has his ways,” said the aide.

“Yesiree. He’s provided the ladies with a bright side to legitimate rape that’s been entirely overlooked up till now. And of course in the case of illegitimate rape, the bright side is that much brighter.”

“I catch your drift,” said the aide.