• Rene Schwietzke
  • There’s a pie in here somewhere . . .

Thanksgiving cooks are such insufferable didacts: prepare this turkey, they’ll tell you—heritage, brined—and these sides (brussels sprouts, creamed), cooked this way (deep-frying also permissible). Recently on Buzzfeed Sam Sifton, whose Thanksgiving cookbook somebody should surely be thinking about buying for me for Christmas, though at that point it will either come one month late or 11 months early, laid down six inviolable holiday rules—for instance, “The only trouble that should ever present itself when the subject comes to mashed potatoes and Thanksgiving is should someone demand that garlic or basil be added to the mix. Your response to this heresy should be brief and unequivocal: NO.” Forgive the abrasive tone and watch Sifton’s video—it’s wonderful. But then consider: Are you tired of being bossed around? We all have different tastes, different gustatory preferences, different dietary needs. Do you seek a more fluid—a more forgiving—approach to American’s tastiest holiday?

Great, then find your own fucking website. Because I am about to tell you how to make the world’s finest pumpkin pie.