A promotional package of SPAM Singles landed here yesterday.

Individually wrapped servings of SPAM may well have their merits, but it’s not my place to judge–mostly because the packaging itself is so off the hook I can’t bear to tear open the packet to find out what’s inside.

From the top of the plastic envelope, instructing the user to “Just rip and tear your way to CRAZY TASTY-town!,” to the back graphic of a SPAM “Idea-O-Wheel” full of SPAM-inspired recipe suggestions and . . . crafts, it’s a textbook example of quirk gone wild, or what happens when you let a bunch of unsupervised copywriters loose in a room with a bowl of crank.

Here’s just one representative bit: 

“Isn’t this the most easy and convenient SPAM ever? SPAM Singles are already cooked! This might just blow your mind. For your own safety, stop thinking about how easy SPAM Singles will make your life. It’s time to enjoy. Take another bite and throw your head back and think wonderful thoughts of faraway places while you chew. Like a magical SPAM castle in the sky, and what a delicious and convenient visit you’d have.”

I swear. You can’t make this shit up.