I was definitely not prepared for this version of this version of the opening credits to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air with the rap overdubbed for the Italian market:

I need to go lie down and think about a couple of things, number one being is this guy the worst rapper in the world, or is it possible that he’s the best? Because at first I was like, “Ha, this guy obviously some middle-aged Italian guy who’s never heard an actual rap song and has only ever had the concept of rapping explained to him by yet another Italian guy who’s never heard an actual rap song,” because that’s obviously what actually happened. At the beginning Nameless Italian Voiceover Guy is so all over the place cadence-wise that it makes you wonder if when he tracked his vocals he even had the beat in his headphones at all.

But then at the, “In West Philadelphia born and raised,” part he starts dropping these super-fast triplets into his flow that sound like some Twista fast-rap shit that combined with his weird yelps and growling drawls made me think, “This guy isn’t riding the beat. He isn’t even parallel parking on the track. He has fenced off a whole block of the track and is playing a relaxing game of bocce and enjoying a nice prosecco with friends on it.” Which is of course absolutely gangsta.

The fact that it’s again obviously a dude who knows absolutely not a damn single thing about rapping only makes it more mind-blowing. It’s like if your super-square uncle from back on the farm came to visit, picked up your guitar, broke into something that sounds like the intro to “Eruption” mixed with highlife music and then put it down and said something like, “I’d never played one of those before. That’s fun.”

The TTL Estoy con Stupido blog where I found this has an English translation of the lyrics and they are just as bizarre as you might imagine. Favorite line: “My tough days ran away like this / in-between a mega-shot in the basket and a movie of Spike Lee.”

I think I want that to be my epitaph.