Q I broke up with a girl who wasn’t hot enough for me. I was self-indulgent and rude and disrespectful, and it made her cry. She’s perfectly attractive, but not in an obvious way, which is what I want. I don’t want to abandon her, because she is a pillar of support that I truly need. She’s the first girl I ever fucked, and I’m the first guy she ever dated. She is 28 and I am 24. We have known each other for one year. Is it a bad idea to maintain a relationship with her while I pursue other women? Would it be better to end all contact? —Must Remain Anonymous
A So . . . you were a virgin at age 23 when you met this woman. Hmm. I’m guessing you’re not all that conventionally attractive yourself, MRA. You’re attractive, of course, just not obviously attractive. Not hot.
But you feel entitled to a woman who is attractive in obvious ways. And you may get one. But a word of warning: if you had to wait until age 23 for a woman to come along who was willing to fuck you and put up with your shit, MRA, the wait for a hot woman who’s willing to fuck you and put up with your shit could be a long one. But you can live in hope.
What you can’t live in, MRA, is an alternate reality where you haven’t been an asshole. Cut her from your life. It may be the only decent thing you’ve ever done for her.
Q I’m an 18-year-old girl in my freshman year at university. I moved into an apartment with three roommates, one of whom is my long-term boyfriend and another who’s a year older. Here’s the problem: I want to fuck the new guy’s brains out all the time. I don’t understand! I love my boyfriend and I find him attractive, and this other guy is not my type in any way. I am not going to cheat on my boyfriend, but I don’t know what to do! —Feelings Are Not Technically Alright Sometimes, Y’know?
A First potential explanation: Like most 18-year-olds, you don’t know your hole from an ass in the ground. Sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you actually want. So it’s possible that your long-term boyfriend is just not the kind of guy who turns you on. In other words: this other guy might indeed be your type. You just don’t know it yet.
Second potential explanation: Women tend to be attracted to one type of guy when they’re not ovulating and a different type of guy when they’re ovulating. Lots of women in long-term, stable relationships with nice guys enjoy manly-man eye candy when they’re ovulating and then fuck their nice guy’s brains out. But you’re going to complicate your life considerably if you live with both types.
What to do? Well, if it’s explanation number one, dump your boyfriend and date your roommate. If it’s explanation number two, ogle your roommate and fuck your boyfriend.
Q A gay couple, friends of mine, just announced their wedding this coming summer. They’ve broken up and reunited countless times over the last ten years; they fight and cheat on each other. I suspect this will be one of those marriages that’ll collapse quickly. So it occurs to me: how much social pressure will there be for gay married folks not to get divorced? After all, the homophobes will soon use gay divorce rates as an argument against gay marriage, right? —The Straight Best Man
AWrong. Half of all opposite-sex marriages end in divorce, TSBM, which makes it pretty easy to deflect arguments about a gay divorce somehow proving that same-sexers aren’t worthy.
And did you know that the first same-sex couple to legally wed in Canada wound up divorcing? And that the first same-sex couple to legally marry in the United States also wound up divorcing? No and no, TSBM, because evangelical Christians haven’t made it an issue. And why haven’t they? Oh, probably because the divorce rate among conservative evangelical Christians is higher than the divorce rate among less batshit Christians and nonbelievers. The haters don’t want to make divorce an issue because it makes them look bad, not us. As for your friends . . .
Some people love conflict and drama, and it’s for the best when two conflictophiles pair off and marry each other. And you don’t have to pretend you give a flying fuck about their drama anymore. So when asshole Adam goes, “Steve cheated on me!” You go, “He’s cheated on you before, Adam. And it’s only a matter of time before you cheat on him. Again. Now, how about Occupy Wall Street? About fucking time, huh?”