As we inch closer, closer, closer to the November 3 existential, world-in-balance presidential showdown, I realize that some of the best minds of my generation are howling mad.
To paraphrase Allen Ginsberg.
Donald Trump has entered their brains. And he’s talking to them.
He’s saying things like, You can’t beat me. I know you can’t beat me. And what’s more—I know that you know that I know you can’t beat me. And so on and so forth until they’re destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked . . .
Sorry, more Allen Ginsberg.
And then they call me.
Why me? ’Cause I’m the only one they know who boldly and unabashedly—without fear of jinxing myself—predicts Biden will beat Trump. And they want a little cheering up.
I’m taking a page from my old friend Monroe Anderson—the boldest, most unabashed Trump-is-doomed predictor that I know.
Monroe Anderson, a former Tribune and Sun-Times columnist, predicts it will be a blue tsunami. He predicts the Dems will hold the House and take back the Senate. That’s right—McConnell will lose his power.
As for Trump, Monroe says he’ll lose so bad, he may even lose Alabama.
“Yes, if everything breaks right.”
Hey, barkeep—whatever Monroe’s drinking, give me five just like it!
Back to my liberal friends . . .
They have many disadvantages when it comes to dealing with an adversary like Trump.
For starters, they haven’t watched enough—if any—pro wrestling. As such, they’ve not been exposed to trash talking.
Half of Trump’s shtick at a rally—the braggadocio, the put-downs, the needling—is straight out of the World Wrestling Federation.
My goodness, Trump shamelessly stole most of his material from Stone Cold Steve Austin, who made a fortune mocking his adversaries in front of roaring crowds.
Like the scene from back in the day where he drags Vince McMahon into the ring, puts a pistol to his head and bellows to the crowd: “If you want Vince’s eyes to pop out of his head, give me a ‘hell yeah.’”
When the crowd screams “hell yeah,” Austin pulls a trigger. It turns out to be a toy gun. The crowd howls and Vince McMahon wets his pants. More humiliation. More cheering.
It’s the script for any Trump rally. Minus the gun. And the pants.
And it’s getting to liberals. Especially when they hear the crowd roaring in approval.
They realize that MAGA is a creature unlike anything in the annals of American politics.
It’s a cult, utterly dedicated to Donald Trump, willing to follow him off a cliff. No matter what dirty dark secrets are revealed about his character.
And so over the years we’ve learned that Donald Trump brags about grabbing women by the pussies. And Trump’s been accused of rape. And Trump’s called dead American war heroes “losers” and “suckers.” And now the New York Times has exposed him as a fraud.
That he’s really not the fabulously successful master of the business world he’s always promoted himself to be. That he’s really up to his eyeballs in debt. And that if he doesn’t win this election, there’s a chance he’ll wind up in prison for income tax fraud.
Just like with Al Capone—it’s not the dirty deeds that get you. It’s the IRS.
And if he doesn’t win reelection, he won’t have Attorney General William Barr commanding the Justice Department to defend him.
Yes, thanks to the New York Times we realize the latest, most relevant number in this campaign is 750.
That’s how many dollars Trump paid in federal taxes in 2016 and 2017.
Hey, Illinois Republicans—I don’t want to hear one more word about Governor Pritzker removing the toilet in his Gold Coast mansion until you’re willing to condemn President Donnie’s tax fraud.
At least Pritzker paid back the taxman when his chicanery was revealed.
The best Trump can do is cry “fake news”!
And still MAGA won’t budge from their man. They wake up every morning and repeat whatever Trump tweets them to say. I’ve seen trained parrots with more independence.
So, yes, I understand why my fellow lefties and liberals are freaked out by this kind of Jonestown-like subservience on the part of upwards of 40 percent of the electorate.
And, yes, I also remember the lesson of 2016, which is that the Electoral College works against most of the voters in this country. And we’re enslaved to this antediluvian system in which a vote in Wyoming is worth much more than a vote in California or Illinois or New York.
By the way, want a fast way to take control of the country, Dems? Figure out a way to get about 50,000 people who live in California and New York to move to Texas. The Republicans won’t win another presidential election for the next 50 years.
Don’t laugh. If the roles were reversed, Republicans would already be sending out the moving vans. ’Cause Republicans play to win.
Anyway, back to this year’s election and all my friends who are freaking out.
I want you to meet Rose Colacino, a volunteer coordinator with Indivisible Illinois.
Rose is a local Democrat of the leftist persuasion. But she thinks like a Republican.
By that I mean she understands the need to build from the grassroots. She thinks tactically. She’s memorized the electoral rule book. And she realizes that if people who think like her aren’t proactive, the Republicans will steal the election.
Like they stole it in 2000 and 2016.
So, what’s Rose’s advice? “Put your anxieties to work—channel it into something productive.”
As opposed to freaking out and shrieking at the moon.
Contact Invisible Illinois via their website (indivisibleillinois.org). Sign up as a volunteer—they’ll put you to work helping to get out the Democratic vote in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. Especially Wisconsin.
The point is—get out of the fetal position. And get to work. Just like Rose. v