Q My friend is in her late 20s and married, and she has two little kids. Her husband had a rough childhood and has some issues. Since their most recent child was conceived, they have not had sex. He says he believes there is a difference between a lover and a mother, and he refuses to have sex with his wife now because he thinks of her as a mother to their children and not as a lover. She is struggling with this and doesn’t know what to do. Any advice? —Miserable Undersexed Mom
A My advice? Don’t make babies with crazy people. But if your friend doesn’t have access to a time machine—or if she does but she’s attached to her children—she should inform her husband that she didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage. So he’ll need to get his ass to a therapist and get over this new mother-of-my-children hang-up. (Why didn’t he have this problem after the birth of his first child?) If counseling doesn’t do the trick, MUM, your friend should tell her husband that the mother of his children intends to find a guy who will fuck her, a divorce attorney, or a divorce attorney who will fuck her.
Q I had an odd bit of awkwardness over the holidays. One of my wife’s nephews recently came out as gay, which is no problem at all for us, but it created friction in his immediate family. We were at a big extended-family dinner together, and after we sat down, I made a point of smiling warmly in his direction to let him know that my wife and I were allies. He responded with the Hot Steamy Eye-Fuck. And not just once: Every time I looked at that end of the table, I got the HSEF. Mind you, he’s a recently-out-of-the-closet 19-year-old and I’m a 42-year-old straight guy who’s married to his aunt. Maybe he was bored or perhaps trying to cause trouble. Is there a look that says, “I’m not interested,” or better yet, “Knock it the fuck off”? We haven’t seen him since, but we will run into him again eventually and want to be supportive without encouraging bad behavior. —Unnerving Nephew Crosses Line
A The next time you want to tell a horny 19-year-old gay relative that you’re an ally, UNCL, use your words, e.g., “If you need someone in your corner, kiddo, you can count on us.” Because a warm smile from an uncle is likely to be misinterpreted as an invitation to fuck your (closeted-and-dying-for-cock) uncle or fuck with your (well-meaning-but-patronizing) uncle. Likewise, the best way to communicate “knock it off” is by using your words, not your eyes.
Q I’m a 33-year-old straight woman, married for ten-plus years to an awesome guy. We have a great relationship. Our sex life wasn’t always super. At first, he didn’t want much sex and had a lot of inhibitions. But I’ve worked hard at bringing him out of his shell, and he has willingly tried several toys and playful games, and the last few years have been great. The problem is his most recent revelation. He told me he’s interested in being dominated. By me. I asked him if it was mostly a visual thing or if he liked the idea of actually being dominated by a woman. He said it was both. I am so uncomfortable with this idea. He has always been somewhat passive in bed. I assumed that it’s because he was shy and embarrassed about sex (which he was), but now I think maybe it’s more than that. The problem with his passivity is that it totally kills my mood. I don’t want to crack a whip (metaphorically or literally) and tell him what to do. The thought grosses me out. How can I give him what he wants here? —Dame Not Domme
A By sending him to see a pro domme, DND. You dominate him by ordering him to submit to her, she cracks the literal whip and then orders him to show his gratitude to you—and his submission to you both—by going home and vanilla-ing the shit out of you afterward.
Q I am a 25-year-old woman and just started dating a great new guy. My problem is that I am concerned he might be gay. I tend to be more conservative, and although I have slept over, I banned anything below the belt. He “petted” me over the underwear, and then I did the same to him. I also went under his underwear and rubbed my hand around his penis without actually touching it. When I have done this to other guys, they tended to go crazy—writhing, panting, and begging. But this elicited no reaction from him, though he was already hard. Am I reading too much into this? I know everyone is different, but something about this threw me off. I would like to think that this is the 21st century, and if he were gay, he would just be gay, but I know that’s not always true. Is there any way I can figure this out? —Guessing About Yearnings
A How on earth do you stick your hand in a guy’s underpants—how do you go under a guy’s underwear—without actually touching the guy’s cock? Anyway, your new boyfriend did have a physical reaction when you were fooling around: his dick got hard. He didn’t have the same over-the-top reaction to your bizarre moves that other guys had in the past, GAY, but getting an erection when a girl sticks her hand in your underpants is a pretty good indication that a guy isn’t gay. It’s also possible that he wanted to pant, writhe, and beg, but he restrained himself because you had banned “anything below the belt” and your great new boyfriend didn’t want you to feel pressured to go further than you were comfortable with.
Q My wonderful boyfriend and I have been in a monogamish relationship for five years. We’re both GGG, and we have had a few threesomes involving women, a fantasy both of us shared. My biggest fantasy, however, is to be with two men. I’ve brought it up with my BF, but he just doesn’t find men attractive and isn’t into it. Now a former fling of mine (male) told me that he finds my BF attractive and would love to be with both of us. The two sexiest men I’ve ever known together with me would be an absolute wet dream come true! I feel like my BF is a little nervous about being with another man because (a) he has performance anxiety and/or (b) he’s not comfortable exploring his sexuality (he grew up in a small town and was teased a lot about being gay because he was in theater). If he could get past his insecurities, I feel like he might enjoy himself. Should I just give up this dream? —Wishes He Were a Little Bi
A Your boyfriend isn’t bi, WHWALB, he’s not even heteroflexible, and he’s made it clear that he’s turned off by the idea of a threesome with another male. Even if you could talk him into it, arranging a threesome with a dude who has expressed a sexual interest in your boyfriend would be disrespectful and potentially disastrous. Drop it.
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