I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live—a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session—at the University of Alaska Anchorage. It was my third visit to UAA, and it was a blast. All of the questions in this week’s column were submitted to me by UAA students and staffers.
Q Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway? —Tony From Wasilla
A You might as well do it now, TFW, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last couple of weeks, the Ninth Circuit ruled that California’s Proposition Eight is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law, and marriage equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon all the lawyers who specialize in “traditional divorce” are going to be booked solid, as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality nonsense. Wait too long to get divorced, TFW, and you may not be able to get divorced at all. Find a lawyer now!
Q I’m with a girl who’s a female ejaculator. It’s pretty cool, but the quantity of ejaculate is way too much. Am I getting peed on here? —Tidal Wave
A You’re not getting peed on. Science says female ejaculate ≠ urine. But don’t take my word for it, TW: ask your girlfriend to piss on you sometime, and see if you can’t tell the difference.
Q My friend is a lesbian, but recently started dating a gay man. They seem really happy. What does that make them? They were both really active in the LGBT community before getting together. —Confused Straight Ally
A You see that “B” in LGBT, CSA? It stands for “bisexual,” and it’s there for a reason. Your friend may have been B all along, or perhaps she’s just B for this one particular guy, and he’s B for her, but there’s really nothing to be confused about, and your friends can and should remain active in the LGBT community.
Q I know about your “price of admission” theory. What else do you have to offer by way of advice for a healthy, lasting relationship? —Annoyed With Him
A Selective, self-induced short- and long-term memory loss.
You have to learn to shrug off minor and sometimes not-so-minor annoyances—maybe even a betrayal or two over the decades—because an ability to forgive and truly forget is necessary for the survival of any long-term relationship. If you’re having a hard time getting there, AWH, speak to your doctor about medical marijuana.
Q I’m a lesbian, and my friend who’s a bi male keeps asking me to peg him. How should I deal with this? —Not Into Boys
A If it doesn’t bother you, NIB, laugh it off. If it does bother you, slap him down.
Q How do you tell a more-than-a-friend that his hygiene is an issue? —The New Girlfriend
A “Hey, big boy, you stink. Jump in the shower—there’s a blow job in it for you.”
Q Advice for beginning butt sexers? We’re having trouble getting started. —Hole New World
A Start with rimming, during or immediately after a shower, move on to fingers, small toys, and finally dick. Take your time! Work up to butt sex over a week or two, HNW, not in a single evening. Lots of lube, penetration should be slow and very controlled, breathe, medical marijuana.
Q I can’t brag to my friends, but I need to brag publicly and anonymously: I had a threesome for the first time, and it was awesome. Highly recommended! —Fun Unicorn Completes Kinksters
A Another perceived-to-be-monogamous couple that actually isn’t monogamous! Welcome to the monogamish club, FUCK!
Q My husband wants to be spanked. This is beyond my comfort zone. What can I do to get over this apprehension? Practice on the dogs and cats? —Can’t Go There
A A woman who spanks her dogs and cats goes to actual jail, CGT. A woman who spanks her husband goes to GGG heaven. But if you simply can’t get over your apprehension, outsource those spankings to your friendly local professional dom.
Q My best guy friend had sex with me. Does that mean he loves me? —Holding Out Hope
A Don’t be ridiculous, HOH. People have sex with people they don’t love all the time. It isn’t proof that your guy friend doesn’t love you, of course, but it’s not proof that he does.
Q I recently broke off a relationship after my female partner demanded that I get a circumcision. I told her I would get one if she did. She told me I was a sexist asshole. I don’t see where she gets off asking me to mutilate myself if she won’t. Am I wrong? —Uncut About Anchorage
A You weren’t wrong to refuse to cut yourself for her, UAA, but you were wrong to equate “female circumcision” with male circumcision. A woman who’s been “circumcised”—a woman who has been subjected to genital mutilation—has had her clit cut off. The male equivalent would be the removal of the head of the cock, not the foreskin.
Q With all the stress of jobs, relationships, kids, etc, what’s your advice for romance and great sex when you’re overwhelmed by life? —Jack and Jill
A My advice is to give up on great sex. Not forever, JAJ, but for now. Make time for some good-not-great, low-stakes, low-pressure, undemanding mutual masturbation sessions. Lie down together and get off while dirty talking about the truly great marathon sex sessions you’re gonna have once your stress levels drop. Then do it!
Q You’ve heard that an ordinance to protect LGBT people from being evicted or fired will be up for a vote in Anchorage soon. Well, I’m a bi woman in a het relationship who works in an office where the environment is akin to the Fellowship of the Bros. Recently I attended a pride event where a coworker saw me act in a very nonhetero way. I’m afraid this person will out me and I will be harassed at best and fired at worst. What can I do? —Unsafe at Work
A Not much, sadly. LGBT people aren’t protected under the City of Anchorage’s antidiscrimination statutes. There have been three attempts to add protections for LGBT people to the law; all three have failed.
One Anchorage—a coalition of progressive organizations—gathered enough signatures to put a equal rights initiative on the ballot in Anchorage on April 3. Passing Proposition Five will make it illegal to discriminate against LGBT people in housing, public accommodation, employment, and credit.
Hey LGBT supporters: We scored some big victories in the last two weeks. But as we race toward marriage equality in California, Washington State, Maryland, and New Jersey, we should remember that there are LGBT people living in places without any civil rights protections for queers. The haters are planning a big advertising campaign, and One Anchorage could use our help. Donate here: tinyurl.com/88gnzh2.