Courtesy Joe Newton

Q: I’m a very sexual cis male in his 30s. Three years ago, I met this woman who just blew me away. She is eight years older, extremely beautiful, intelligent, and funny. I came onto her early on and she told me straight up that she was asexual. She likes kissing, cuddling, and solo masturbation, but that’s it. She says intercourse doesn’t do anything for her. To keep a relationship alive in the past, she would go through the motions, but she has no interest in doing that anymore, so I moved on. Since then, we got to know each other better and I have fallen in love with her. Last night we had dinner and I started thinking aloud how we might make a relationship work. I suggested that I could watch her masturbate, and maybe we could have an open relationship. She said it was out of the question. She admitted that when she first met me, she liked me, but now she loves me as a friend. She says there’s no chance that this could work, and we should keep things platonic. She doesn’t even want to kiss and cuddle me, as she fears I would get “worked up” and she would have to reject me. We got into an argument, and she got angry with me. I love her. I want to spend every moment with her. I sincerely believe we could make this work. How can I convince her? —Sexual Man Into Loving Ecstasy

A: You already have your answer, SMILE, and that answer—her answer—is “no.”

Q: I’m a horny divorced bisexual male. Can you help me find females for regular phone sex? I masturbate every night and enjoy it much more if I hear a sweet voice on the other end of the line. I live in North Carolina, and I am usually freshly showered, naked, and erect between 11 PM and midnight. I time my orgasms for precisely midnight. Please help find me a female to have erotic discussions with! —Jerking About Conversations Kept Sensuous

A: Sir, this is a Wendy’s. (Full disclosure: This isn’t a Wendy’s. This is a sex-advice column, JACKS, and sex-advice columnists are not matchmakers. So, you’ll have to find and/or hire a phone-sex provider on your own.)

Q: I’m not having sex with my best friend’s husband, but we’re doing something my best friend would probably find objectionable: I’m letting his husband drink my piss. The first time it just kind of happened. We’re able to rationalize what we’re doing—my best friend isn’t into piss and I’m a “safe” person to do it with in that I’m not going to ask him for more—but it does involve putting my dick in the mouth of my best friend’s husband. I was the best man at their wedding, and I feel guilty about this. I’m also married, but my husband and I have an agreement about outside games. Maybe I just need you to tell me to stop. —Gay Urinal Is Lying To Spouse 

A: First, the obvious answer: Stop.

Second, the obvious follow-up question: How’d that happen, GUILTS? Unless your best friend’s husband was wearing a ridiculously convincing urinal costume at a Halloween party and you were on mushrooms, it didn’t just happen. You did it. Even if he was in a convincing urinal costume and you ate all the mushrooms, you did it. You won’t be able to stop doing this if you can’t be honest about how you started.

Q: My friend started dating a girl eight years ago in college and broke up with her a year later. They have no relationship at all now. They don’t even converse. I have been in love with the girl in question since the first day I met her. I was going to ask her out years ago but before I could she was dating my friend. I recently asked her out and we are now dating but none of our friends from back then know. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I vibe with her like no one else. Do you think it’s right to be with her? Or am I doing wrong to my friend? —The Bad Friend

A: Your friend broke up with this woman—the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with—seven years ago. He doesn’t own her, he doesn’t have eternal dibs, and if he can’t be happy for you, he’s not your friend. And if you’re feeling like a bad friend, maybe backing up and rereading GUILTS’s letter will make you feel better. 

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