Every time I watch ESPN or Spike TV I see these commercials for Enzyte “natural male enhancement.” Does that shit actually work? Not that I’m small or anything, but I’m a divorced, middle-aged, chain-smoking, overweight single guy who lives in a trailer park. The only things I’ve got going are a steady job and a car that runs (most guys in this park don’t have either). The only girls I can get are the crack whores that live here (of which there are tons). I’d love to land a normal woman, and I figure a few more inches downstairs wouldn’t hurt, especially if all I have to do is take a pill every day. –Wants a Big One

Are those awful Enzyte commercials still on TV? It’s been a while since I caught one, and I was hoping that whoever was selling that crap had gone out of business (and that whoever had a hand in putting together their annoying commercials had been, I don’t know, electrocuted or something). But I guess Enzyte isn’t going to go out of business until something causes the collective IQ of gullible small-dicked men everywhere to spike, and that may be a long way off.

Look, WABO, if you live in a trailer park you can’t afford to take an Enzyte pill every day. Even if they made your dick bigger–which they don’t–they’re expensive. While Enzyte commercials, built around a grinning idiot named Smiling Bob, strongly imply that taking the pills made Bob’s dick bigger (Bob, after Enzyte, is “living large”), the company’s own Web site is careful to stress that these pills, which are herbal supplements, don’t work that way. So what, if anything, do they do? They “may help your body achieve fuller, stronger erections” because they’re “designed to help maintain blood flow and create firmer, fuller-feeling erections.” In other words, they promise just to improve your circulation. And that, WABO, is something you can do for free. Quit smoking and get some exercise and you may achieve “fuller-feeling erections,” much to the delight of the crack whores down at the trailer park.

Back to miserable small-dicked men. In a bit of bad news released, cruelly enough, on Valentine’s Day, researchers in London said that most men who have penis-enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the results. “For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis,” Nim Christopher, a urologist at Saint Peter’s Andrology Center in London, told Reuters, “there is little point in offering them surgery because it makes no difference.” If what you’re after is a “few more inches,” WABO, even surgery can’t help you. “The average increase in length is 1.3 centimeters (.5 inches), which isn’t very much, and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of 70 percent,” Dr. Christopher said, before adding that spam advertising penis-enlargement surgery has given men unrealistic expectations.

Tell me about it, doc. I get e-mails every day from men who’ve tried “male-enhancement” pills and, with their dicks no bigger, want to know if I think surgery might help. Guys, the pills don’t work, the surgery doesn’t work–nothing works.

Got a small dick? Accept what you’ve got and learn to use it to maximum advantage. Ask yourself these questions: How thick are my fingers? How long is my tongue? Big cocks are nice, and they have their fans, but if you don’t qualify for the big-dick Olympics, then make the most of what you’ve got.

This isn’t really about sex, but I couldn’t think of any other gay person who could give me a reasonable answer to my question. Am I a homophobe if I use the word gay as a derogatory term, saying, for instance, “The Olympics are gay,” or asking, “Why are you so gay?” I know and like gay people, and I’m for gay civil rights and gay marriage. Also, if I hear somebody call a homosexual person names in an angry or blatantly derogatory manner I get upset. So can I call my buddy gay if he tells me he uploaded a Phil Collins CD onto his computer, or should I just call him a dumbshit? –Fine With Fags, Really

Officially, FWFR? It’s so not OK to use gay as a synonym for lame. When you use gay like that you’re reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people–I mean, duh, right? You may not be a homophobe, but using that expression is homophobic, and when you use it you’re helping to sustain the prejudice that deprives your gay friends of their civil rights and marriage rights.

Unofficially, FWFR? I don’t care what you do. Most of the gay people I know use “That’s so gay” the same way you do, and the few times I’ve overheard strangers using the expression, people who may or may not have been gay, I had to concede the point: the thing they were tagging as so gay was, in fact, so gay.

Finally, FWFR, a buddy who uploads a Phil Collins CD onto his computer isn’t a dumbshit, he’s a douche bag. Please make a note of it.

I’m a woman in my 20s. I met this guy, call him Phil, in the town where I live. I didn’t know that much about him, but after hanging out a couple of times we ended up in bed. That happened twice before I discovered what a dickhead he was. Let’s just say our dealings ended when I punched him in the face in a bar. Not classy but satisfying, and it’s something I’ve never apologized for or explained to anyone. The problem now comes from the fact that I had sex with this guy. Apparently it’s common knowledge that I slept with Phil. I have had other guys in my town reference this fact and have been turned down for dates because of it. Obviously people have a low opinion of Phil, and I seem to be caught up in it now that I slept with him. Since I’m not planning on moving, how do I deal with the situation? Is it fair that I get rejected because of one skank dickhead? –Minding My Manners

You punched a guy in the face in a bar full of people, MMM, something you’ve never bothered to justify to anyone–including me–and you’re wondering why all the other guys in town aren’t lining up to fuck you? Gee, maybe it’s because when your name comes up in conversation, all the men in town shake their heads and say, “That bitch is crazy.” What’s more, MMM, it’s entirely possible that whatever the guys in town think of Phil, they regard you as skanky on your merits alone.

Confidential to everybody: pearl necklace is out. Cheney is in. Pass it on.