I’m a gay man who’s been in a relationship for two years. I would say that we’re in love–love in the sense of the emotional kind of love and not so much in terms of the sexual. I do think of my partner as my husband, and we’ve had a commitment ceremony. We want to start a family and have begun looking into adoption.

The one problem we have is that we have sex only once a month. We are both sexual people, and, honestly, I can’t say why we’re having these issues. We can talk about anything except for this. When I do try to talk about it my partner gets defensive. Perhaps we should have an open relationship, but that doesn’t seem appealing, and I think we would both be jealous. Finally, I don’t want to cheat on him–I don’t agree with being dishonest. Do you have any suggestions, o wise and mouthy one? –Loved but Sexually Deprived

Just one: Don’t you dare adopt until both of the problems in your relationship are resolved, LBSD. You may think you only have one, but I see two big, glaring problems: your crappy sex life, and your inability to communicate about it. If you boys can’t talk about your sex life now, how on earth are you going to talk about it once you’ve adopted?

Also, LBSD, if you think you’re frustrated now, take the amount of sex you’re currently having and multiply that number by .10 to arrive at the amount of sex you’re likely to have after you become parents. I say “likely” because it doesn’t have to be that way–parents can have great sex lives (ahem), but to do so they have to make an effort, and your partner doesn’t sound like the effort-making type. As far as open relationships go: Most new parents don’t have time to sleep, much less time to sleep around. As solutions to sexual deprivation go, “We’ll just fuck other people” isn’t practical for new parents.

If your sex life isn’t functional, LBSD, then your relationship isn’t ready for the stress fest/shit storm that is parenting. So you’re going to have to press the issue and force the boyfriend to talk about it–and all discussion of adoption should cease until you solve these problems.

I’m a 32-year-old woman, married for more than seven years, and I’ve slept with three men and one woman since marrying my husband. Not long ago I made a commitment to loyalty (I know, I know, big of me), and so far it’s working. But recently a mutual friend cheated on her husband and the truth came out. This incident has unleashed guilt galore in me.

Question: Do I continue to try to forget about my promiscuities, knowing that I’m with the person I love and that it would devastate his world if he knew? Or should he know? I think ultimately we’d make it work and stay together, but he’d be crushed. My instinct is to live with the guilt and focus on positive change for the better. –Spouse Lacks Ultimate Truth

Trust your gut on this–your lying, cheating gut–and keep your mouth shut. While honesty gets all the good press, no marriage would survive long without lies great and small. Continue to protect your husband from the truth, and strive to be the woman you’ve duped your husband into believing that you are.

I am a straight woman who likes getting fucked in the ass. My boyfriend enjoys fucking my ass, so it works out well. We’re both clean, so we don’t have to worry about STDs, and I prefer sex without condoms–who doesn’t? My problem is this: After he shoots a big load of come in my ass, it leaks back out for the rest of the day–along with other less-appetizing substances. It makes quite a mess in my pants, smells bad, and is uncomfortable. I never hear gay men complain about this–and don’t tell me it’s because they’re all so busy practicing safe sex. Is there anything I can do to avoid this situation short of using a condom? Some gay man’s secret for taking a big load of come in the ass? –Love the Come, Hate the Mess

Anal-sex prep is hashed over in skanky and mainstream sex-advice columns alike. But scant attention is paid to post-anal-sex issues, like the proper disposal of lube, semen, and santorum. Why? Because lube, semen, and santorum disposal reminds us of the asshole’s primary function. But at your request here’s an ancient gay-boy secret: After your boyfriend comes in your ass, LTCHTM, pull it off his dick and plop it down on the toilet. Bring a magazine. Then crap it out–crap it all out. Lube and come and santorum that aren’t left in your ass can’t leak out and soil your undies the next day.

Hello, Mr. Savage. Could you please tell me what GFE stands for? Thank you. –Obtuse and Flummoxed

GFE stands for “Google Fucking Exists,” OAF.

It doesn’t really stand for that, of course, but it should. Because if you had taken the time to type GFE into Google–which takes, oh, about 1/1,000th of a second–you wouldn’t have to ask me what GFE stands for: The very first result is titled “What GFE (Girlfriend Experience) Means to Me in Sexwork.” GFE = girlfriend experience, which means the sex worker will, for money, treat you nicely, kiss, cuddle, etc. (Perhaps the acronym should be BNGFE, for “brand-new girlfriend experience.”)

Gentle readers: If you have the ability to send me an e-mail, you have the ability to do a Google search all by your lonesome. What’s a Hot Karl? What does CBT stand for? What’s a Louisville Plugger? All fine questions, all questions that you might have needed to pose to a sex-advice columnist before Internet search engines came along. But nowadays? Google fucking exists, folks, and you should use it.

I’m a newly lactating woman who would like to recoup some of the many expenses associated with having a child. I’m wondering if there are places that sell human breast milk to fetishists (I’m sure they’re out there). I looked online but couldn’t find anything. Also, is there any reason I’d be arrested for doing this? –Capitalist Mom

Farmers have been arrested for selling raw cow’s milk–well, not arrested, but hassled–so I’m guessing it’s illegal to buy and sell raw human breast milk. But there’s definitely a fetish for, and therefore a market for, human breast milk. If there’s an organized underground market for human breast milk, someone out there must know about it. Spill!