My problem may not be as kinky as most you get, but it’s currently terrorizing my thoughts. While in high school and early college, I was fairly sexually repressed (right-wing, Bible Belt upbringing and all that), so I used online chat rooms to explore my sexual curiosity. I would find random pictures of people on the Internet, normal and nude, and send them to others, pretending to be the people in the photos. I used both male and female “identities,” as the gender wasn’t really what turned me on–it was the exhibitionist nature of sharing photos, even if they weren’t really of me. I only traded with others claiming to be 18 and over, and I never met anyone. It was all seemingly harmless Internet fun. Now I’m a 23-year-old heterosexual male, and I just began dating a girl I like a lot. The problem is that I’m having recurring negative feelings about those online experiences. Part of me thinks it was a terrible thing to do and that I’m an awful person for it. This same part urges me to confess what I did to my new girlfriend, which may appease my guilt but will also, I imagine, make me come off as really creepy and weird. AHHH!! –Confused and Distraught

Ah, the religious upbringing–that hellish gift that keeps on giving you hell. Before those first pubes sprout, preachers are pounding it into our heads that there’s only one correct way to express ourselves sexually. We’re then condemned to spend the rest of our lives measuring our actual sexual desires and experiences–which tend to be messy and perverse, just as we tend to be messy and perverse–against a simplistic, unachievable, and stultifying ideal.

Rest assured, CAD, adults who’ve indulged in nothing but Bible Belt-approved hetero sex–that is, straight intercourse strictly within the bounds of matrimony and always open to conception–are rarer than American goals in a World Cup match or sane Scientologists. It’s time to stop beating up on yourself, kiddo. What you did was completely innocent and, as teen explorations of sexuality go, completely harmless. Oh, you may have raised some false hopes in the folks you were chatting with or helped circulate pictures people didn’t want passed around, but those are venal sins. If you do decide to tell your girlfriend about your online games, CAD, don’t present them as some deep, dark secret but as something freaky and funny you did when you were a teenager.

Finally, you’re not alone. The Internet is teeming with people pretending to be what they’re not, from straight women pretending to be gay men to hairy old fags pretending to be smooth young twinks to FBI agents pretending to be 13-year-old girls. So just chill the fuck out, OK?

While I was making love to my wife, she asked me about my fantasies. I shared with her that my fantasy was to watch her have lesbian sex with one of her hot friends. I came home a few days later to find my wife naked with her best friend. She announced that it was time for my fantasy to come true and told me to sit down and enjoy it. After her friend left, she told me that since my fantasy had come true she was entitled to have hers come true. She then explained that she wanted me to watch her getting fucked by two guys! I objected, and she said that because she’d acted out my fantasy I had to go along with hers. She’s now cut me off from all sex and announced that until I arrange for her fantasy, I’m shit out of luck. She’s adamant that she’s entitled to her fantasy’s fulfillment. I don’t agree, because I never asked her to do what she did. What should I do? –Don’t Want Wife Fucked by Strangers

Sharing a fantasy–a realizable one–is an implied request for fantasy fulfillment, DWWFBS, although a fantasy shared during sex does require some postorgasm follow-up. (“Honey, were you serious about . . . ?”) The issue here isn’t whether you asked the wife to fulfill your fantasy (you did), but that she didn’t inform you about this quid pro quo before she chomped her best friend’s box in front of you. If fulfilling your fantasy obligated you to fulfill her fantasy, then she had an obligation to disclose hers in advance. Her failure to can only mean one thing: she knew you wouldn’t be into it. So it’s not mutual sexual-fantasy fulfillment your wife is engaged in, CAD, it’s sexual extortion.

What should you do? Well, first you should ask your wife this: if she’d confessed her fantasy to you first, and you’d run out and found two guys to fuck her, would that obligate her to consent to absolutely anything you wanted? If you wanted to shit in her mouth, would she open wide? If you wanted to fuck a double amputee, would she have her legs cut off? But even if you succeed in making her see how unreasonable she’s being, DWWFBS, that won’t make her fantasy go away. She digs messing around with other people, and she digs doing it in front of her husband. Perhaps there’s a compromise you can live with. Instead of two strangers, how about a three-way with you and another guy? And instead of a stranger, how about a friend? But if sharing your wife with another man is absolutely, positively something that you’re unwilling to do, then tell her she’s shit out of luck.

I’m a Pennsylvania voter and I too am appalled at what Senator Rick Santorum represents in the U.S. Senate. However, before jumping on the Bob Casey bandwagon, please note that Mr. Casey is also antichoice. The conscientious Pennsylvania voter is thus faced with a profound lack of alternatives. On balance, Casey is better than Santorum, but he’s far from a desirable candidate. –Queasy Undecided in Pennsylvania

Yes, yes: Bob Casey is opposed to abortion. But electing Casey would take out Rick “Frothy Mix” Santorum, a much more rabidly antichoice senator. Moreover, electing Casey could help Democrats take back the Senate, which would go a long way toward protecting choice, abortion rights, and other sexual freedoms despite his stance. So casting a vote for Casey, or sending ITMFA proceeds to Casey, is a pragmatic, progressive, prochoice bank shot. Electing one or two antichoice Dems is the price we’re going to have to pay to put reliably pro-choice Dems in positions of power.

Speaking of the ITMFA funds, people wrote in with tons of great suggestions for where the next checks should go, from Russ Feingold to Kinky Friedman to Jon Tester to Americans United for Separation of Church and State. But I’m going to go with Planned Parenthood, not only because it’s a kick-ass group but because, karmawise, it will help balance out the donation I’ve already made to Casey.