My boyfriend of three years has a lower libido than I do and rarely wants to do anything sexual. For a variety of reasons, I will not DTMFA. We no longer have arguments about this, but I do feel lonesome for the type of physical contact he won’t provide.
Now comes the dirty part. I have a couple of male friends who would happily do the things that my boyfriend isn’t interested in doing. I’ve discussed this idea with my boyfriend, but he’s resistant. I think it wouldn’t bother him as much as he believes it would. An occasional tryst with one of my pals isn’t something that would have much of an effect on our relationship. I’m just looking for him to OK a short list of people we know, so that I have somewhere to turn during the months-long periods when he has no sex drive. How can I convince him? –Playing Allowed Looks Sweet
We’ll get to your issues in a moment, PALS, but first an issue of my own: I’ve been abusing DTMFA letters of late–that is, I’ve been using a lot of questions from readers who need to “dump the motherfucker already.” As I’ve pointed out in past columns, letters from people who need to DTMFA account for more than half the mail advice professionals like me receive. If we aren’t careful, DTMFA letters can dominate our advice columns, making them monotonous.
But in my defense, gentle reader, while I may be too quick to issue DTMFA orders, far too many of my colleagues go out of their way to avoid telling their readers to DTMFA. Confronted with a marriage damaged beyond repair, many advice professionals offer up soothing platitudes that inspire false hope. They do this because they share an idealized reverence for the institution of marriage and fear calling for the end of one, no matter how fatal its flaws. “Seek counseling,” they’ll say, in a futile attempt to salvage the unsalvageable. While I never make that mistake, my carelessness of late has led to too little relationship-salvaging advice appearing in this space. So for the next few weeks I intend to help couples work through their issues, not just order them to part.
OK, PALS, I was completely on your side until “I’m looking for him to OK a short list of people we know.” So long as your short list includes mutual friends, there’s no way for your boyfriend to OK this arrangement without feeling utterly humiliated. If he gives you permission to sleep with mutual friends, then his friends will know that he’s sexually inadequate, and he’ll know that they know, and they’ll know that he knows that they know. Can you see how he might have a problem with that?
The only way to get him to agree to your getting a little on the side, PALS, is to ask for permission to get your needs met elsewhere once in a while–and to promise him that you will only mess around with friends drawn exclusively from your social orbit. No mutuals, none of his friends. Make him that promise, PALS, even if you don’t intend to keep it. Good luck!
i am a 22-yr-old man that thought i would be happy with my wife for the wrest of my life, but after a year of cheeting on my wife with her own mom, i am in love with her mom. she is 44 but she has the experience and beauty. we go wild in bed makin love for hours and she swollows which turns me on like crazey. i dont want to be with my wife no more. what should i do? –Marreed Man
This helpful shit is harder than I thought. But here goes: a husband should be able to discuss anything with his wife, MM. You should be able to share your deepest secrets with her, your innermost thoughts, your fondest hopes for the future. When a man can’t tell his wife that his hopes for the future include a lot more oral sex from her mom, then something is wrong. Your marriage could be in trouble. I urge you to seek counseling.
I’m a 25-year-old straight male with a wonderful girlfriend. The other night I made some comment about how lucky I am to get such great head all the time. She responded by telling me that I was lucky indeed, considering I almost never go down on her, and when I do it’s not for very long. It was true. I’ve been an asshole. The next time we got into it I ended up going down on her for a long time, and she told me it was the best I’d ever done. Everything’s fine, right?
My bottom-row front teeth are just a tiny bit crooked, and one of them scraped the shit out of the little flap of skin along the bottom of my tongue while I ate her out. The pain was excruciating. Is this a common problem? Should I just keep doing it to develop a callus beneath my tongue? –Sad, Confused, Raw, Amateur Pussy Eater
I read somewhere once that you can get that little flap of skin snipped. I’d google it myself, SCRAPE, but I’m sitting in a bar in Saugatuck, Michigan, helping myself to some of the really terrific margaritas they make at Phil’s, a bar that doesn’t have Internet access. So google it yourself, OK?
I was appalled by the advice you gave LIFE, the man sleeping with a woman in an abusive marriage. You told him to run, and doubted the woman’s claims of abuse, calling them “too perfectly monstrous.” My mother and my whole family were abused by my father, and most of the time she wasn’t believed. Discrediting the victim by suggesting that she was a liar probably made all abused women who read your column recall the times they were called liars. You shouldn’t perpetuate the idea that abused women can’t be believed and that abusive husbands really aren’t capable of harming someone that much. –R.
I never intended to deny the reality of domestic violence, R. Too many women are monstrously abused; earlier this month there was a story in the Detroit Free Press about a Michigan man accused of dragging his wife with his pickup truck until her arm was ripped off. But that doesn’t mean there should be blanket acceptance of any woman’s claim of abuse–if that were the case, why bother with domestic violence charges or rape trials? That’s why I advised LIFE to check out the part of his girlfriend’s story that was verifiable: her claim that her husband had once been prosecuted for rape. If it checks out, that goes a long way toward establishing her credibility. If it doesn’t, well, then it doesn’t. People do lie, R., as I’m sure you know.
A lot of people took issue with my advice for LIFE. To read their responses, go to www.thestranger.com/savage/abuse.