I was dating an amazing guy–smart, funny, caring, and interesting. I just wasn’t that attracted to him. I enjoyed hooking up with him, but it was never one of those “Oh man, I just have to have you” things.

Enter my good friend, who I’d been harboring a crush on for quite some time. I was sure he wasn’t interested in me, so I didn’t think it would affect the relationship at all. We were at a party–this was about three months into my relationship with Boy #1–and it turned out he was interested! And since my attraction to him is extremely intense, we had sex. I thought he’d want to date me after that, so I broke up with Boy #1. Turns out it was just a one-night stand. Oops.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I still really like Boy #1. Having sex with Boy #2 was a mistake, and if I could go back and change it I would in a heartbeat. I know you’re probably thinking “Wow, what a bitch” right now. I am too. I feel terrible, but I want my old boyfriend back! –Stupid Bitch in South Carolina

And why do you want Boy #1 back? It can’t be because he’s smart, funny, caring, and interesting. Boy #1 was all those things when you dumped him for Boy #2. And unless Boy #1 got a face-and-body transplant in the days after you dumped him, the attraction problem is still going to be an issue and you probably won’t be able to resist the next good-looking guy that comes along. So why do you want Boy #1 back?

Here’s a guess. You can’t stand the thought of being alone while you wait for Boy #3 to come along–a hot guy who wants to date you as much as he wants to fuck you. So you want Boy #1 to be your chump, to hang around and keep you entertained until it’s time to dump him again.

Surprise! Boy #1 isn’t likely to be interested in being your chump, SBISC. You fucked around on him, you fucked with his ego, and you fucked with his emotions. Now have the decency to fuck off.

I’m a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most. I’m lucky enough to be married to a very sexy lady who goes along with most of my kinks, even to the point of visiting me while I’m taking a bath and squatting down to give me a drink of her lovely recycled juices.

My question: she’s given me a free pass to fulfill the kinks that she’s not quite up to. I’ve always wanted to have a gay sex encounter, and I’d like to try it before I get too old or chicken out. But I would look silly cruising a bar, and I’m skeptical about Internet personal ads. Any ideas? –Middle-Aged Kinkster

No ideas, MAK. No advice, no guidance, no pointers. I got nothin’ for you because if we gay guys aren’t allowed to be married–to each other–then you married straight guys aren’t allowed to be gay, not even with the wife’s permission. Married Canadian straight guys can be as gay as they like, of course. Have at it, fellas.

I’m 18 years old, dating a 24-year-old. We accidentally got pregnant and are expecting in January. We love each other and want to stay together, but he doesn’t want to talk about getting married. I’d marry him in a heartbeat, but that’s not the only problem. I feel that since I decided to keep the baby, he secretly resents me and has lost his attraction to me. His sex drive has gone way down, and while we still have sex, it’s only because I beg him to. He says he loves me and still thinks I’m attractive, but his actions speak louder than his words. I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about this because I don’t want anyone to think badly of him or our relationship. I can’t even talk to him about it anymore because I always end up crying. What can I do? –Pregnant and Deprived

Doesn’t your boyfriend read the papers, PAD? According to the state of New York’s highest court, the institution of marriage exists expressly to entice the likes of him–that is, irresponsible straight boys–into marrying the likes of you–that is, irresponsible straight girls. Since heterosexual relationships are “often casual or temporary” and since “unstable relationships between people of the opposite sex present a greater danger that children will be born into or grow up in unstable homes,” the court found that the state can deny same-sex couples–with kids, without kids, whatever–the right to marry. Marriage is set aside exclusively for folks like you!

And you mean to tell me that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you? What a fucking ingrate! I’m not sure what you can do about it, PAD. Maybe one of those New York justices can hold the shotgun while another officiates?

I’m a straight man, married with kids. I’m happy, but I need help. I’ve always wanted to watch my wife getting banged by another dude. I also want to get it on with a hot guy. I’ve discussed it with her, but all I can get her to do is talk about boys we both find cute and do a little role-playing. How do I get her to actively look for Mr. Right for both of us? How come all women wanna get freaky with another girl, but when it comes to male bi-ness the door is closed? –In Need of Hot Boy

Oh great. Another letter from a legally married “straight” wannabe cocksucker.

Look, INOHB, while lots of women are turned on by the images of men getting it on–there weren’t that many gay guys watching the American version of Queer as Folk–many women feel that a gay sex act somehow diminishes the masculinity of both men involved. Is it fair? No. Is it a double standard? Yes. What can be done about it? Not much.

As for your problem, INOHB, it’s like I told MAK: until we gay male cocksuckers can get married, I’m done helping out married “straight” male cocksuckers.

Read any good books this summer, Dan? –Beach Reading

Why yes, I have, BR. This summer I’ve enjoyed The End of Iraq by Peter W. Galbraith; Virginity or Death! And Other Social and Political Issues of Our Time by Katha Pollitt; Seventy Times Seven, Salvatore Sapienza’s debut novel about a gay priest; and My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up by Stephen Elliott. (The last won’t be released till October–I got an advance copy.) I recommend ’em all.