My 34-year-old sister–call her Carrie–came out to the family a week ago and is looking for us all to support the decisions she’s making surrounding her coming out.

Background: My sister has been somewhat happily married for 14 years and has four children under the age of 12. She wants to move her kids 3,000 miles away to be with the woman she’s fallen in love with–call her Louise. Louise is also married with kids; both are stay-at-home moms. Carrie and Louise have met in person three times over three months. The first time was through a mothers’ support group. The second time they got drunk and hooked up. About a month after this, they spent a long weekend together with their kids. They’re now in love, speak on the phone several times a day, and have both told their husbands and families.

Louise has told Carrie that she won’t move: she wants her kids to be able to see their father on a regular basis and doesn’t think she could win custody. Instead she’s asked my sister to move with her kids. My sister’s husband wants to be able to see his children and plans to ask that she be required to stay in the state as part of their custody agreement. My sister’s willing to fight this tooth and nail but has no money of her own.

My question is this: how do I support my sister but still make sure that she doesn’t back herself into a legal and financial quagmire over a person she’s met only three times? –Concerned Sister

Why would you even consider supporting your sister?

Backing up for a moment, she’s made two separate decisions, CS, and your family needs to keep them separate. First, your sister has decided to come out as a lesbian. You can support the hell out of that–shit, throw her dyke ass a coming-out party. Second, your sister has decided to do something so colossally stupid, so selfish and cruel, that you would be guilty of supportive-sibling malpractice if you, out of loyalty or guilt or cowardice, offered her even tepid support.

So your sister’s a lesbian–fabulous. But that doesn’t give her the right to interfere with her soon-to-be ex-husband’s right to have a relationship with his children. And what of her children’s right to have a relationship with their father? In this instance, CS, your familial allegiance to your nieces and nephews and, yes, to your brother-in-law, outweighs whatever allegiance you owe your sister. She’s selfishly fucking over her husband as well as their kids, not only taking them from their father but from the rest of their family, their friends, and their schools. And all for what? Because she’s a lesbian now? No, because she’s a selfish, love-struck dumbfuck planning to run off with someone she barely knows.

Don’t let your sister manipulate you into supporting her selfish, stupid decision by presenting it to you as some intrinsic aspect of her lesbianism. (Bad haircuts, well-trimmed fingernails, and cunnilingus? Intrinsic aspects of lesbianism. Fucking over your whole family? Not so much.) You can’t allow your fear of being accused of homophobia prevent you from telling your sister to her pussy-chompin’ face that she’s in the wrong. When she plays the homophobia card tell her you would feel exactly the same way if she were leaving her husband for a man she barely knew.

Finally, tell your sister from me that if she wants to have her family’s support, then she and her new love have to earn it. For the sake of her kids, for the sake of her soon-to-be ex, she needs to stay put. She’ll have plenty of opportunity to fly out to see her new love on the weekends when her ex has the kids.

In last week’s column you claimed that you and your boyfriend met 11 years ago, when you were 23. C’mon, Dan–you’re not 34, at least not according to multiple online sources. Lying about your age is beneath you! –Boy Utterly Saddened to Encounter Deceit

You’re right, BUSTED. I really shouldn’t lie about my age. But I worry that people won’t take my advice seriously if they learn that I’m only 27 and I’ve been with the same guy for 11 years. Readers might conclude that I can’t know all that much about dating, relationships, and heartbreak if I’ve been with the same guy since my junior year of high school. But I guess the cat’s out of the bag now–damn you, Wikipedia!

I’m a professional dominatrix who took note of the inquiry from the clueless wannabe male submissive in last week’s column. My first thought on reading of Cock Blue Today’s antics with his penis and the frying pan was that his letter was made-up. My second thought was that it was just too stupid to be fiction.

You were absolutely correct in your response to his worries about meeting a dominant for fear that she wouldn’t care about doing “permanent damage” to him. Of course a professional dominatrix cares if she does permanent damage! That’s why we’re professionals and not crack-smoking harridans mindlessly wielding whips. We wouldn’t be in business if we routinely left quivering, destroyed heaps of man meat in our wake. That costs extra.

Why don’t you put me in contact with this clown? He needs tutoring in common sense as well as the scene in general. –Ava, the Laughing Mistress of Boston

In CBT’s defense, Ava, he wasn’t looking to meet a professional dominatrix but a dominant, sadistic woman. And while I can’t put you in touch with CBT, Ava, I will print your URL:

Hey everybody, I’m going to start doing a podcast. Have you ever wanted to ask me a question but lost your nerve or sobered up before you could send me an e-mail? Well, now you’ll be able to drunk-dial me and record a question from the comfort of that bar, washroom, bedroom, or dungeon. The number: 206-201-2720. When the podcast launches I’ll announce it in this space.

News bits: Evangelical Christians are addicted to pornography, according to a survey by But like drunks for prohibition, the American Taliban is agitating to get porn removed from hotel rooms–check out the new Web site Meanwhile, the school board in Canton, Ohio, added contraception to its abstinence-only sex ed programs when it was revealed that 13 percent of the female students at a high school within its district were pregnant. Good work, American Taliban!