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I’m a 23-year-old lesbian in a relationship of three months. In that time I’ve been tied up, spanked, cut, burned, and put on display for strangers at my girlfriend’s request because she likes it and I’m GGG. My one and only kink is that I get a deep sexual thrill out of popping zits. She only gets zits when she’s on her period, and she hates, hates, HATES being touched then. She’s also terrified that popping her zits will give her scars. I don’t think she’s being fair, but she’s not budging.

On the one hand, we’re very compatible–I could really see this relationship going somewhere. On the other, three months doesn’t make me so attached that I’ll be crying in my cornflakes if I end it. I’m also not thrilled that she’s not GGG for me. She’s suggested that I find someone else to get my zit-popping groove on with, but I don’t like being with more than one person at a time.

So what do you think? Keep trying to convince her it doesn’t have to

scar, or just DTMFA and hold out

for a gal who’s more willing to be groomed? –Dyke Making Decisions

Your letter may be total bullshit, DMD, but I’m running it to appease those out there who bitch every time my column touches on politics. Last week’s Haggard/Santorum hoedown resulted in some particularly scathing e-mails. “Enough with the politics,” whiners whined. “Bring back the freaks!” Lesbians spanking, cutting, burning, and zit popping–that’s some freaky shit. Lap it up, whiners.

OK, DMD, while your kink may be less common than your girlfriend’s hard-core BDSM kinks, you have more leverage here than you realize. As icky as your kink is, you’ll likely have a much easier time finding a new girlfriend. Your next girlfriend may allow you to pop her zits only grudgingly, but she’ll probably go there. Girls who are into and/or willing to be spanked, cut, burned, tied up, and publicly displayed are much harder to find. So drop a bomb, DMD: she submits to a monthly zit-popping session to keep you–indulgent you, GGG you–in her life. If she can’t or won’t, bolt.

I’m an 18-year-old female college student in New York City, of average weight and attractive in the face. With all the freaky people out there, you’d think I’d be able to find a guy to satisfy my kinky side. I’m extremely dominant–in and out of the bedroom. Most of the submissive guys I find are 50-year-old white men. When I do find younger guys who are into the whole submissive thing, they just want sex and not a relationship. Where can I find a submissive 18-year-old guy interested in a serious relationship? –All About Me

PS: When I say dominant, I mean

I get off on inflicting pain, the whole nine yards.

Another kinky woman, whiners–and a teenage one at that. You’re welcome.

OK, AAM, at your age you can’t have found, much less played with, more than a handful of subs close to your own age, so you should refrain from drawing any broad conclusions. While some young sub males may not be into relationships (just like many nonsub young males), I would guess the majority are looking for love along with the hard-to-explain-at-the-gym bruises.

Why haven’t any of the subs you’ve played with wanted a relationship? Well, AAM, sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility don’t necessarily go hand in hand. The sub guys who dig your attractive face, average weight, and pain-infliction techniques may be put off by, say, your personality or your politics. Like any other woman, you’re just going to have to hang in there until you meet a guy who digs everything you have to offer.

I have this extreme fetish. I fantasize about wrestling with a guy while wearing slippery, smooth stockings or garter belts and panty hose. The slipperier the nylons, the hornier it makes me. I’ve made contacts in an attempt to connect with another guy and live out my fantasy, but I always chicken out at the last second. The thought of intertwining legs with another guy and rubbing our slippery, smooth nylons together and grinding cock to cock, to mutual and repeated orgasms, makes me incredibly hot. I would even do it with a woman.

First of all, am I gay or bi? I’m happily married, but my wife totally detests the idea of my fantasy. Should I hire a male escort? I want so badly to wrestle another person while both of us are wearing nylons that it’s driving me crazy to the point where it almost hurts. Please help. –Nylon Lover

The answer to your first question– gay or bi?–is a big, fat, fucking, faggoty yes, NL. You’re definitely one or the other.

Moving on, you wanna wrestle with another guy while wearing nylons and grinding your cocks together, and you want this so badly you’d even settle for doing it with a woman. If that’s how you presented it to your wife, NL, there’s a good reason she detests your fantasy. No woman wants to feel like some sort of vag-havin’ bummer of a consolation prize.

But if you presented your relatively harmless fantasy to your wife as something you wanted to do with her and she flat-out refused, and you will absolutely, positively lose your mind if you don’t get to do this with someone, then I support hiring a pro. It’s cases like yours, NL, that earn male escorts their angel wings. The pro steps in, safely meets a crazy-making need, then quietly disappears. (Unless you’re a lying evangelical minister, in which case the pro should immediately call a press conference.) Peace and harmony are restored and the “happily” married couple remains “happily” married.

Oh, and speaking of male escorts who’ve earned their wings: gay blogger Joe My God thinks we all need to show some love to Mike Jones, the escort who outed Pastor Ted Haggard. “The major gay-rights organizations have extended [Jones] nothing but 10-foot poles,” writes Joe. “He is unemployed and I imagine that for at least the short future, he is unemployable. . . . Gentle readers, you and I owe Mike Jones a debt of gratitude.” Joe suggests we make good on that debt by tossing Jones a few bucks via PayPal. “Send him the $10 you would have spent buying him drinks if you ran into him in a bar.”

I made a donation–now go make yours. Donations can be made at PayPal.com to Jones’s e-mail address, massageandmuscle@aol.com.

Send questions to mail@savagelove.net. © 2006 Dan Savage