I’m a late-20s straight man in a BDSM relationship with a dominant woman. She enjoys depriving me of orgasms for long periods of time, and she likes to keep me in a male chastity belt, a rather high-tech custom-fitted thing made of stainless steel and lined in silicone. It makes it impossible for me to masturbate or even get an erection. While it has taken some time to adjust to wearing it full-time, I can now go about my daily business quite well with it on. Judging by the Internet, there’s quite a burgeoning fetish subculture for male chastity belts. My only concern is the long-term medical effects. My penis unsuccessfully tries to get erect dozens of times a day, only to strain against an unyielding steel tube. I worry that months (years?) of this may damage my penis or make it difficult to get an erection when I finally do have the chance. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find a professional medical opinion on the Internet, and I’m too embarrassed to ask my own doctor. Can you consult one of your guest medical experts on this matter? –Cold Hard Armor Squashes the Erections

“The only thing I can think of that might be a problem for CHASTE is the development of Peyronie’s disease,” says Christian P. Pavlovich, assistant professor of urology at Johns Hopkins. “As you know, Peyronie’s disease is a curvature of the penis of unknown etiology that is associated with a plaque of scar tissue at the tunica albuginea of the corpora cavernosa of the penis.”

Well of course, Dr. Pavlovich, who doesn’t know that? Why just the other day I shared a private little joke with my boyfriend about his tunica albuginea. “Oh, hush,” he said. “Now bring that corpora cavernosa over here.” (Maybe you had to be there.) But just in case you don’t have the faintest idea what the doc is talking about, CHASTE, I’ll translate: Peyronie’s is a buildup of scar tissue in your dick that can cause it to curve to one side, making erections painful and in some cases impossible.

Docs aren’t sure what causes Peyronie’s disease, but a leading theory is trauma to a semierect penis. “It would not be unreasonable to assume that repeated erections that are kept down by an ‘unyielding steel tube’ might lead to the sorts of insults to the penis that could predispose one to Peyronie’s,” says Dr. Pavlovich. “Thus it’s possible that CHASTE is putting himself at increased risk for this condition.” Peyronie’s is not a condition for which any sane man wants to increase his risk, CHASTE. There’s no effective treatment for it. Radiation therapy can decrease the amount of scar tissue, but alas it damages other tissues; surgery to cut out the scar tissue can lead to impotence.

Dr. Pavlovich was quick to add that no studies have been done on the short- or long-term effects of locking your cock up in an unyielding steel tube, which explains why you found so little about it on the Web. Nevertheless, he felt you and your girlfriend/dom should proceed with caution. “At the very least,” says Dr. Pavlovich, “CHASTE should let his penis ‘breathe’ once in a while.”

Recently my girlfriend’s lesbian aunt–call her Harpo–confessed that she’d attempted to jerk off her father, my girlfriend’s grandfather. The man has had a stroke and can’t talk–he can only grunt and move his hands a bit. He isn’t mobile, needs help dressing himself, etc. Apparently Harpo was bathing her father when the geezer’s dick sprang to life, and for whatever reason she started jerking him off. He managed to convince her that he didn’t want that kind of attention.

My partner is distressed–it is, after all, her grandpa we’re talking about here. Of all the weird sexual behaviors you’ve come across, have you ever heard of anything so disgusting? Is Harpo simply a kind soul who sought to administer the ultimate pleasure to an old man? Or did Harpo respond in a way that’s inappropriate? –Avid Reader

Before we wrestle with your questions, AR, I have to take issue with the way you characterized a poststroke hand job administered by a middle-aged lesbian daughter. That’s a lot of things–sick and wrong chief among them–but it sure as hell isn’t “the ultimate pleasure.”

Moving on: no, I don’t believe that Harpo responded in a way that’s appropriate. Just as George W. Bush feels we should “err on the side of life”–at least where Terri Schiavo is concerned–I’ve always felt it’s best to err on the side of avoiding incestuous hand jobs. If Harpo felt her father was truly desperate for release, AR, then she should have hired a professional to come in and do the job–but only after getting his consent.

If the man can grunt and move his hands, he can answer yes/no questions like “Would you like me to hire an escort to come in and give you a hand job, Dad?”

My husband of three years is always trying to get me to agree to join a local swingers’ club. I made it clear to him before we got married that I wouldn’t swing. He made it clear to me that it was his greatest fantasy. I guess he thought I would magically change my mind. Dan, why can’t he love me enough to be satisfied with only me? I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Do wedding vows mean nothing? Am I crazy like my husband insists? He won’t see a therapist, and I need help! –Monogamous One

You’re both crazy, MO. Your husband told you before you married that swinging is his ultimate fantasy; you told your husband before you married that you wouldn’t swing. But you married each other anyway and now–surprise!–you’re at each other’s throats over the issue. Neither of you saw that one coming? You both went into this marriage hoping the other would change, and you were both wrong. It’s for situations like yours, MO, that jurists coined the term “irreconcilable differences.”

Last week you gave good advice to a 15-year-old boy who wanted to know how to get girls. How about some advice for us 15-year-old girls? Surely you must know something about getting a guy. ; ) –Girls Also Longing

The first bit of advice I have for you, GAL, is this: don’t abuse semicolons and close parentheses like that. God did not give us those useful punctuation marks so that teenage girls could fashion them into winking smiley faces. As for advice on getting a guy, I’d like to invite my adult female readers to share their insights. Ladies: what do you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 15? I’ll print the best three responses in an upcoming column.