Not long ago, a certain woman went from being my brother’s fuck buddy to being his girlfriend. From what I can tell, she’s GGG (or maybe he is) and they have a creative sex life. I’m in my mid-30s; my brother and his girlfriend are in their early 40s.

So here I am, finding this woman very attractive. She’s good-looking, smart, and very sexy. When we were all out together this weekend, she put her hand on my arm, made positive comments about my looks, and held my hand when we were crossing a busy street. I know this just shows that she’s a warm, affectionate person, but it affected me very strongly.

Would it be out of line for me to tell her I’m attracted to her? Alternately, could I tell my brother that his girlfriend is awesome? Or should I keep it to myself and fantasize? –Lustful Little Brother

Forgive me, LLB, for what is bound to be subpar advice.

In an effort to ensure that my son is as gay as a goose when he grows up, my boyfriend and I bought season tickets for the Seattle Mariners. When I was a kid I hated going to ball games with my dad and brothers–oh, the tedium!–but my son loves ’em, and I actually enjoy going now that I’m a grown-up. The difference? Beer. Unlike my grandparents, siblings, uncles, and cousins, however, I drink in moderation–which at the ballpark works out to a beer every other inning. Well, last night’s game went into extra innings, so I had extra beers, and now I’m so hungover I can barely hold my head up. It hurts to think, and I probably shouldn’t be operating a laptop in this condition, but, hey, deadlines are deadlines.

So your brother’s girlfriend holds your hand when you cross the street. Hmm. That could mean she’s attracted to you, LLB, or it could mean that she thinks you’re a ‘tard who needs help. Combined with those other gestures–touching you, paying you compliments–I’d guess it’s the former. So what do you do? Well, gee, I dunno. What’s your brother like? If he’s the jealous, violent type, you might not want to hit on his girlfriend, however GGG he and/or she is/are. If he’s sweet and generous and a bit of a freak, go ahead and hit on her–but get your brother’s permission first.

This girl may not be in the picture for long, but your brother’s going to be your brother forever, so it’s important that you handle these potentially explosive negotiations with care. Don’t say, “Can I fuck your girlfriend, bro?” Say something equally blunt but noncommittal, something like, “Your girlfriend is hot, bro, and she’s a total flirt.” This statement will be met with silence, a rebuke, or an admission on your brother’s part that his girlfriend, indeed, is hot and a flirt and–if you’re lucky–just as interested in you as you are in her.

Oh, and for the record: No one I know who’s had a three-way with a sibling looks back on the incident with fondness. No brotherly tag teaming, ‘K?

My boyfriend and I are 18, and we’re in love. We’ve been together for almost four years. He recently decided that he’s against abortion, to the point where he won’t have sex with me unless I agree to have the kid if I get pregnant. I told him there’s no way I can agree to that–it’s my choice what I want to do with my body. He says it’s his choice if he wants to stop having sex with me because he disagrees with my views on the matter. (Which is something he read in your column, BTW.) Where do I go from here? I can’t be celibate until I’m ready to have a kid. But I don’t want to break up with someone I love because of a sincere moral disagreement. What now? –One Boy’s Girl Yearns Nervously

As a general rule, OBGYN, fertile pro-choice girls shouldn’t have premarital sex with controlling antichoice boys. But you love him, and sometimes love makes for exceptions. So if you do stay with him, and you agree and/or pretend to agree to his conditions, you get pregnant, and you do decide to have an abortion, what the hell is he going to do about it? Lock you in the trunk of his car for nine months? Whatever you tell him now, it will still be your body and your choice then. Use condoms, take the pill, get a diaphragm, cross your fingers, and fuck his brains out.

Hey, dude! When I’m doing the deed with my girlfriend she makes a shitload of noise…plus I can’t concentrate and ccccccuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm…anyways…personally, I think she’s faking her orgasms…how can I prove it? –Boom Box

How about a brain scan? Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands announced last week that a simple brain scan can detect when women are faking orgasms. In the kind of science that isn’t just being done in the U.S. anymore, dozens of women underwent brain scans while their partners “manually stimulated them.” In a finding that should discomfort men everywhere, Professor Gert Holstege told the BBC that “women can imitate orgasm quite well.” But when women have actual orgasms, said the prof, “we see an extreme deactivation of large portions of the brain.” Don’t laugh, guys–at least women’s brains are active before and after orgasm.

Just a note on your advice to Premenstrual Sissy, the man whose mistress ordered him to put tampons in his ass. There are reasons why he should be careful, aside from constipation and the possibility of its “getting lost.” Unlike the vagina, the rectum is not self-lubricating, and a dry tampon in a dry rectum can cause adhesion problems. In other words, if he sticks it up there, he could easily wind up with the upper cotton layers bonded inside his ass. This is less than comfortable, and it can cause infections. I’d suggest that he lubricate the tampon with Vaseline or a similar substance before insertion. –Tampon Play Troubles

Here’s some extra advice for Premenstrual Sissy, and also info that your menstruating readers might be interested in. Traditional tampons or pads contain rayon, which can be absorbed by the body. Often this causes cramps and discomfort, since your body really is not made for this. Sissy might want to go to a natural food store or co-op and get unbleached cotton tampons. Sissy could also tie something to the end of the tampon string to keep it from getting lost in his rectum. Maybe mistress can think of something extra humiliating?–Bleeding Hippie

As a physician and a submissive cross-dresser, I thought you would like my perspective on rectal tampons. First, I agree with you completely that PMS should do as he’s told! Second, I follow some commonsense guidelines for all inserted objects. Nothing sharp or breakable. Clean it. Lubricate it. Remove it. Clean it again (or discard it). I remove tampons after a few hours. First-timers should figure out how a tampon works before actually inserting it, and experiment with different positions (lying on your side or back, on all fours) for insertion. And, most importantly, don’t forget to leave the little string hanging out! –Tampons Allow Men Periods of Naughtiness

Thanks for sharing, TPT, BH, and TAMPON–nothing alleviates the nausea of a hangover like the mental images your letters conjured up.