Q I hope you address the recent rough-play-gone-bad death of New York City radio newsman George Weber. According to reports, it appears Weber met a guy after posting an ad on Craigslist for “violent sex,” and the guy stabbed Weber to death. It’s a reminder that if you have these kinds of fantasies—Weber wanted to be bound and abused—you’re better off doing it with someone you trust and not with some random trick off the Internet. No one should wind up dead trying to fulfill a sexual desire. —Safety Conscious
A First, I want to extend my sincerest condolences to Weber’s family and friends.
Second, reading about Weber’s death reminded me of a joke—this has to be the worst start to a second paragraph ever—that Jon Stewart told on The Daily Show during the darkest days (er, years) of the insurgency in Iraq. Conservatives were complaining that a biased media wasn’t reporting any of the good news in Iraq, nothing about all those freshly painted schoolrooms or, um, all those other freshly painted schoolrooms; the news out of Iraq then was all bloodletting, beheadings, and car bombs, all the time.
“Yeah,” Stewart deadpanned. “We never hear about the cars that don’t explode.”
What 16-year-old John Katehis allegedly did to Weber was horrifying. And, yes, there are lessons in this horrific crime for anyone seeking sex and/or love online. But looking for sex online is not, as some have insisted in the wake of Weber’s murder, so inherently risky a pursuit that only a lunatic would contemplate it. Remember: We never hear about the people hooking up online who don’t get brutally murdered.
Every day tens of thousands of people—hundreds of thousands—find partners online. While lots of folks online are seeking relationships at sites like Match.com or Christiansingles.com, there are plenty of people online at any given moment seeking no-strings-attached sex at sites like AdultFriendFinder.com or Recon.com. People seeking relationships can find love the old-fashioned way, at work or by going out, and many do. NSAers, on the other hand, have better odds of finding other NSAers online, and they’re always coming back for more. If random Internet hookups were even half as dangerous as crimes like this make them seem, there would be a dozen online-hookup murders in New York City every day, and scores more in Toronto, San Francisco, Miami, Vancouver, and Chicago.
No one should be cavalier about safety when it comes to Internet hookups, of course; people seeking NSA or fantasy-fulfillment sex need to use common sense and take all reasonable precautions. Insist on a verifiable exchange of real names and real phone numbers before meeting; meet in person first, in a public place, preferably at a time when you can’t mess around immediately after your first meeting. And people seeking the services of a pro should go to one of the dozen or more established Web sites out there that host ads from pros along with client reviews.
And it’s always a bad idea to post an offer for $60 in exchange for sex to the crowd of fakes and freaks who have overrun Craigslist, as Weber is reported to have done. Meeting cheap whores via Craigslist ups your odds of hooking up with, say, a mentally unstable teenage “satanist” who’s loaded up his MySpace page with pictures of himself wielding knives and swords.
Now perhaps Weber, working as a freelancer, couldn’t afford the services of a $200-an-hour professional dominant; maybe he had lowballed it on Craigslist a dozen times before and always had good experiences. Most people who ignore my advice about safety, or hook up with cheap Craigslist hookers, do live to tell the tale. But when it comes to realizing a fantasy that involves violence or helplessness, someone safe, sane, and expensive is more than worth the investment.
Finally, people take calculated risks all the time for pleasures less essential than sex. You’re assuming a certain degree of risk—of injury, of death—every time you get in a car, go skiing, or order the chicken. We do what we can to minimize those risks (buckle the fuck up, wear a helmet, don’t eat undercooked chicken), but we don’t hold up deaths on highways, on the slopes, or after dinner as evidence that people who even think of driving, skiing, or eating chicken have to be out of their minds.
The sad fact is that some of us will die at the hands of our intimates. Do what you can to minimize your risk—and not just on the Internet. Yes, George Weber took the wrong guy home. So did Laci Peterson.
Q My fiance is bisexual. I fulfill his “man-love” fantasies by strapping it on and giving it to him, but he has started talking about wanting to have sex with men. I feel like a jerk for freaking out about this, but I’m not willing to entertain the emotional and physical risks of opening our relationship to another person. Am I totally off base here, Dan? —What the Fuck Is Wrong With Men These Days
A Do not marry this man. Lots of bisexual guys are capable of monogamy, as are lots of bisexual girls. (That’s what angry bisexuals are always telling me, at any rate, in their angry e-mails.) But this bisexual guy is not, and he’s made that clear. He gets points for being honest—and I mean that sincerely. He gets points for telling you now, before the wedding, that being pegged, while wonderful in its own right, isn’t enough and that he’s going to need a little man-love reality now and then. You might be able to extract a promise from him under duress, WTFIWWMTD, and get him to agree to sexual exclusivity as a condition of going ahead with the marriage. But that will just result in you facing the emotional and physical risks of an open relationship without the honesty and accountability that can mitigate those risks.
And to the angry bisexuals: You know I don’t think monosexuals are any good at monogamy either, right?
Q My partner and I have been together for four years. Last year we sought to experiment with another couple via an adult Web site. We eventually found a sexy pair who we met up with, but the experience left me feeling unsure about how comfortable I am with the idea of the “swinging” lifestyle. I know my partner loves me and is loyal, and he’s messed around a bit with others since we’ve been together and that’s OK (so have I, also OK), but getting together with another couple was a lot more personally challenging than I thought. How can I become more open-minded and comfortable with this? —Swinger Wannabe
A The problem might have been the other couple, SW, and not the swinging lifestyle per se. You could give it another shot, with another couple, and see if you feel differently. If you don’t, well, then you—and your partner—may have to accept that synchronized infidelity just isn’t for you.
Send questions to email@example.com.
Q My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts? —Sexless and Desperate
A Your husband—who’s beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been with. But ultimately the issue here isn’t sex. It’s neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you’re a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm competition syndrome (google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his fist.
Q I’m 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise, seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us? —First Isn’t Really Sexy Time
A Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes he can get hard, yes he can stay hard, yes he can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re going to be doing before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who’re about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K.D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi, young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.
Q I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for you.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes that use human semen? —Coming Around to Cream Pies
A Frozen spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff. So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo. “Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or, you can ejaculate a little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘miniorgasm’ where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She loves it.”
As for your questions...
“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, it was meant to be eaten raw or not at all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.