My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and while it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, we’re not sexually compatible. Her ideal amount of sex would be twice a month. For me the number is closer to once a day. We’ve reached a compromise that usually comes out to three times a week, but that number leaves her feeling oversexed and me feeling undersexed. The reason she claims to not like sex is that she’s usually unable to climax without fantasizing that she’s being drugged and taken advantage of by evil research scientists. I have offered to buy props (lab coat, clipboard, drug paraphernalia, etc) and role-play this fantasy with her, but she’s asked me not to, saying that she feels “broken” for having it and doesn’t want to make things worse. I’ve finally persuaded her to agree to try it, but only if I can get an expert’s assurance that going through with it isn’t likely to make things worse. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. –Undersexed Because of Evil Scientists

PS: She says she doesn’t count a sex-advice columnist as an “expert” but might be persuaded if you got an actual sex therapist to comment.

Hopefully the string of letters after Yvonne K. Fulbright’s name–MS Ed., PhD–will impress your girlfriend. Fulbright is the author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex, and according to her Web site ( she’s an Icelandic-born media darling “often described as the Dr. Ruth of Generation Y.” Fulbright’s site lists every publication she’s ever graced with a quote, and she’s got a few choice ones for your girlfriend. Unfortunately they’re probably not what you want her to hear, UBOES.

“Sexual compatibility isn’t the problem here,” Fulbright said in an e-mailed response to your question. “Your girlfriend is the ‘victim’ of a much larger issue–the guilty complex your girlfriend has for engaging in sex. Her fantasy reeks of sexual inhibition, most likely due to negative messages about sex growing up or perhaps sexual abuse. Furthermore, its elements of force and being overpowered scream taboo rape fantasy, which is fairly common in both sexes. . . . Such fantasies can be great fun and healthy forms of sexual expression if they’re acted out in safe, secure, consensual sexual relationships. It is important to keep in mind, however, that studies on rape fantasies have found that women whose sexual fantasies involve men using force rate themselves as feeling more frightened, guilty, and disgusted. They also report being less happy and less likely to act on their fantasies.

“Acting out this fantasy is not going to solve the problem at hand” (i.e., the amount of sex you’re having), Fulbright goes on. “It may get her off, [but] she’s still going to have her complex with sex and feel oversexed. In addressing this issue your first step is to reassure your girlfriend that it’s OK to have such fantasies–that there’s nothing wrong with them and she has nothing to feel guilty about. Second, don’t push acting out the fantasy unless she wants to. A lot of people would rather not act out their fantasies for fear that actualization could taint erotic reactions and diminish arousal. (Plus, in some cases fantasies can scare the crap out of us and acting them out may simply cause further trauma.) Third, work with your girlfriend on identifying a professional who can help her with her issues, with the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists ( being a great place to start.”

I hope that helped, UBOES, but I kind of doubt it. Like a lot of advice proffered by “sex experts,” Fulbright’s seems designed to drive your poor girlfriend out of her mind. If this is expert advice–“Your fantasies are normal, you disgusting freak, and they can lead to wonderful sexual experiences unless of course they ruin your sex life forever”–I’ll stick with the amateur variety, thanks.

Our expert can’t even bring herself to answer your question about what you should do. Instead she recommends–didn’t see this one coming!–counseling. Like a lot of sex experts, Fulbright has probably never met a kink that didn’t qualify someone for therapy. I don’t mean to be an ungracious host–Fulbright is my guest expert, after all–but she’s the kind of sex expert who gets on my nerves. She presents herself as young, hip, and sex positive, but she peddles the same old fear and repression that sex “experts” have trafficked in since they were telling us that masturbation kills. Dr. Ruth? More like Dr. No.

Since Fulbright won’t answer the question, let me: Should you go through with it? Is it likely to make things worse?

Yes, UBOES’s girlfriend, you should go for it. No, it’s not likely to make things worse. It’s been my experience–personally and professionally (and I’ve been at this a lot longer than Fulbright)–that when people “actualize” long-suppressed fantasies with a caring partner they not only get off, they also feel a tremendous sense of relief. That feeling of relief is usually followed in quick succession by feelings of “Why the fuck did I wait so long?” “What was I so afraid of?” and finally “When can we do it again?”

The fact of the matter, young miss, is that your fantasies are not going to go away, and besides the blazingly obvious observation that, yep, they have something to do with overcoming your sexual inhibitions through eroticized helplessness–you’re not going to get much out of therapy. And far from making matters worse, acting on harmless sexual fantasies, however bizarre, frequently diminishes their relative importance to your sexual inner life. Forbidding yourself to act on a sexual fantasy is like forbidding yourself to think about bananas–it kind of makes it hard to think of anything else, you know? If you would just relax, embrace your fantasies, and appreciate the gold mine you’re sitting on in the form of a dreamy GGG boyfriend, you’ll be a much happier and more sexually fulfilled person. You may even be able to climax thinking of something else, i.e., you’ll feel less “broken,” not more, once you give yourself permission to act on these fantasies.

But hey, don’t take my word for it. I’ve got a couple of bonus guest experts for you: Sebastian and Laurel Wood of, “the largest provider of medical toys, products, and apparel for the medical fetish, nurse fetish, and medical BDSM scene on the web.” Like Yvonne, they’re experts–only the Woods are experts, authors, and lecturers on medical fetishes, which is what your kink properly counts as.

“When we founded we did so to give adults like this man’s girlfriend the opportunity to understand that this is a very common fetish and desire,” says Sebastian. The first thing the Woods want you to know, UBOES’s girlfriend, is that you’re not a freak: “We have a very large customer base in the U.S., thousands of customers, all of whom have similar desires.”

Like me, Laurel and Sebastian think you should give your evil-scientist fetish a whirl. “It is healthy to explore these fantasies in a safe environment,” says Laurel, “and it’s healthier than suppressing these thoughts. If it does not produce the expected fireworks, at least the couple will know they have tried, and maybe it will inspire them to try another fantasy.”