I’m hoping you can help me. My boyfriend wants nothing more than to have me pee on him. I really want to do this, but my body will not cooperate. I’m usually able to pee whether I feel the need to or not, such as when the doctor needs a sample, so this is very frustrating. I’ve tried the obvious, like drinking tons of water, but it didn’t help. I’ve tried sitting on the toilet until I start to urinate, then stopping and running back to squat over him, but that didn’t work either. I want to do this for him so badly! Please help, I’d do anything for this guy!

–Peeing Is So Sensual

You’d do anything for this guy? Does “anything” include blowing $350 on a large, incriminating, and hard-to-conceal sex toy? This is not a toy for the easily mortified, PISS. If your mother finds it in your closet, well, let’s just say you’ll have a hard time convincing her you’re not taking craps on your boyfriend. Can you handle that?

The sex toy in question is called a Joy Rider, and it’s basically a toilet seat on springs. It’s a little hard to describe, so I’m going to send you to the Mr. S Web site (www.mr-s-leather-fetters.com), where you can find it under “miscellaneous.” (There are also a few pictures of a good-looking guy sitting on another good-looking guy’s face; don’t say you weren’t warned, straight folks.) While the Joy Rider is usually used, as one Web site puts it, “to facilitate oral sex, rimming, and penetration from unique angles,” it might also facilitate pissing all over your boyfriend.

Here’s how: You’ve been peeing in one basic position since you were about three years old, and you were taught to regard your urine as filthy; it’s waste, and we don’t dump waste on our loved ones, now do we? So when you’re trying to let go as you squat over your boyfriend, you’re faced with the challenge of not only peeing in an awkward position but also overcoming the ol’ don’t-piss-on-your-loved-ones taboo. Buying a Joy Rider, PISS, will allow you to sit your ass down on one very bouncy toilet seat, close your eyes and imagine that you’re sitting on a toilet somewhere, doing your business where your business is supposed to be done. This, I suspect, will do the trick, and you’ll finally piss all over your boyfriend. And hey, once you’re done, you can use your Joy Rider to bounce up and down on your boyfriend’s dick or face, as God Himself intended you to bounce.

Two final thoughts: The Joy Rider breaks down for easy storage, PISS, but it still looks like a toilet seat on springs even when it’s taken apart. Keep it well hidden if you don’t have a sense of humor about people thinking you’re into scat. And finally, after slogging through my daily dose of E-mail from folks whose husbands, wives, boyfriends, and girlfriends couldn’t care less about meeting their sexual needs, I was delighted to get your letter. The lengths to which you’re willing to go to give your boyfriend what he wants is truly inspiring, and you set a good example for all my readers. God bless you, PISS.

I’m a young lesbian with the ability to ejaculate. I have no complaints, but I’m hoping you can give me some insight into how to handle the amount of liquid that results. The problem is that after we get it on, our bed is terribly soggy. We usually use towels, but they get soaked. Changing the sheets doesn’t help because it’s soaked through to the mattress. I have tried to do some Internet searches but only get sent to XXX sites or “women’s health networks” that question the existence of women who can ejaculate. If you know of any special products or Web pages, Dan, my soggy butt cheeks would appreciate it. –Water Works

You have two options, WW, both of ’em so obvious that I doubt you’ve given your “problem” much thought. First, there are rubber sheets. Sold by reputable fetish shops everywhere, rubber sheets protect the mattresses of wet-and-messy players. Since I was already on the Mr. S site, I checked theirs out; like everything else at Mr. S, the sheets are heavy-duty. A queen-size, extrathick rubber sheet, reinforced with nylon, will set you back about $200. If rubber sheets aren’t your style, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex in bed: have sex in the tub, super soaker, or on the kitchen floor. If you want something soft under your ass, plenty of gymnastics equipment suppliers sell folding tumbling mats. You can ejaculate your guts out on a waterproof mat, then fold it up and slide it under the bed.

I’m going nuts, Dan, all alone, masturbating to half-assed medical fetish Web sites! Where or how can I find medical/gyno fetish clubs and/or people to do to me the stuff I see at Dr. Kink [www.wewillmakeyoucum.com/drkink]? Even if I purchase a membership to Dr. Kink (which sucks, by the way), that still doesn’t tell me how I can get into this subculture! I swear, if I can’t get on an exam table, spread my legs, put my feet into the stirrups, and get some hot doctor to put a syringe or a speculum or something in my cunt soon, I’m going to go crazy!

–Sopping Pussy Really Enjoys Arousing Doctor Sex

Sebastian and Laural are a very nice couple who share your very kinky passion, SPREADS. They also run medicaltoys.com, a terrific Internet shop that’s been selling medical fetish supplies since 1998.

“Safe, sane, and consensual has to be the starting point,” Sebastian told me. “Medical implements, insertables, can hurt you if they’re used incorrectly. Anal and vaginal cavities are very delicate; they can be torn or ripped. You don’t want to do this stuff with some guy who’s as inexperienced as you are. And for safety’s sake you don’t want to do this with the first guy who offers to ram a speculum into you. She needs to do this with someone she gets to know and she trusts. The last thing she wants is to wind up in a real emergency room having to explain how this happened.”

Sebastian’s right, SPREADS. Be very careful who you let ram a speculum into you. I always am. But where and how do you meet trustworthy speculum rammers?

“Try your local BDSM club,” suggested Sebastian. You can spot the medical fetishists at BDSM events because–duh–they’ll be dressed like doctors and nurses. If you don’t see any fetish docs, “ask the regulars if anyone into medical fetish is involved in your local BDSM scene,” said Sebastian. And if there’s no BDSM club in your area, you can always go on-line to meet people. Sebastian and Laural run several E-groups through medicaltoys.com, groups you can access by visiting their site.

“She can start posting messages and go from there,” Laural said. “One of the clubs has 3,000 members, another has 5,000. They’re a really good venue to meet people, and some of the members are real doctors. But you do have to use your common sense.”