I was listening to the radio today and Rick Santorum was mentioned. The first thought that popped into my head was, “Santorum? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex?” and not, “Santorum? That conservative prick?” Your column has worked the new meaning so far into my brain that it pops up first! –Santorum Hits in Total
Thanks for sharing, SHIT, and I want you to know that you’re not alone: many people have written in to say that “frothy mix” pops first to mind whenever they hear Senator Santorum’s name on the news–which they’ve been hearing a lot lately, what with Senator Santorum busily undermining abortion rights and deploring gay marriage.
Some of the mail is from readers sick to death of reading about santorum–senator and stain–in my column. To the santorumphobes, I say this: there are other advice columns out there–fine examples of the genre, from The Ethicist in the New York Times to Dear Prudence on Slate to Real Estate Reality Check in the Vashon-Maury-Island Beachcomber–and none of these would touch santorum with a ten-foot pole. (I can’t, however, vouch for the columnists themselves never having left santorum on a ten-foot pole.) Santorumphobes in need of an advice fix are advised to turn to one of these other fine columns, because this week’s Savage Love is awash in santorum.
But after this week–I swear to God!–I will not discuss santorum at any length again. The word may come up–this is a sex-advice column, after all–but I will never again define the term in disgusting detail (we all know what it means now). Beginning next week my efforts to spread the word will move to a dedicated Web site, the address of which appears at the end of this column. But first I want to tend to these santorum-related, uh, loose ends…
Just an FYI from the folks selling a line of santorum T-shirts…
We’ve had a few orders for santorum shirts from people who work in senate offices (for U.S. senators!). I don’t think Rick Santorum is very popular with his colleagues. I’m smiling right now, envisioning Santorum strolling past a senate aide wearing a “SANTORUM–The frothy mixture that says I love you” T-shirt in the hallowed halls of our nation’s Capitol. “Frothy mixture” is our most popular shirt (available at www.extraugly.com). If you run this letter, sign me… –Politicians Out of Private Stuff
PS: Did you get the shirts that we sent to you?
I got the shirts, POOPS, and thanks. I’ve been wearing my “Santorum Tastes Like Shit” shirt to the gym, where I’m the envy of the assembled homos. Speaking of people who work for U.S. senators…
As a congressional staffer here in Washington, D.C., I have to keep myself from giggling every time I pass Rick Santorum in the Capitol, but that’s not the point of this e-mail. I typed “santorum” into Google to see for myself, and I noticed that the page right after your column has a great summary quote: “Rick Santorum had only been in the senate for a few weeks when Bob Kerrey, then Senator from Nebraska, pegged him.” –AC
Former Senator Bob Kerrey didn’t peg Santorum in the Savage Love sense of the word, AC–pegging by definition is a woman fucking a man with a strap-on dildo. On the political Web site CounterPunch, Jeffrey St. Clair claims Kerrey “pegged” Santorum by saying of his new colleague, “Santorum–that’s Latin for asshole.” If he did say it, Kerrey was ahead of the curve on Santorum.
I’ve only heard you use santorum in reference to gay anal sex. Does it apply to straight butt sex too? –I Love Straight Anal
Straight people have anuses, don’t they? Butt? Of course! And guess what? Straight people pump out a hell of a lot more santorum than gay people.
Let’s crunch some numbers. The best estimate of the number of gay-identified men in the United States and Canada is 3 percent of the male population, or roughly 4.5 million cock-hungry males out of a population of 300 million men and women. According to The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, 1994), 10 percent of straight men and 9 percent of straight women surveyed reported engaging in anal sex, which works out to more than 50 million straight people butt fucking. (My figures include children and the aged, who for the purposes of this column shall be regarded as future straight butt fuckers and retired straight butt fuckers.) The Chicago study was conducted a decade ago, and the number of straight people engaging in anal sex has without a doubt skyrocketed since then, thanks to anal porn, the growing popularity of pegging, and Trent Ford. Clearly the amount of santorum produced in North America annually by gay men, ILSA, is but a trickle compared to the tsunami of santorum produced by straight folks.
A former bartender, I wanted to do my part to popularize santorum, so this straight man concocted a recipe for the Santorum Shot: 1/2 oz. dirty-ass well vodka; 1/2 oz. creme de cacao (dark); a dash of cream; a healthy splash of seltzer (soda water may work). Place hand over top of shot glass, slam on table, and voila! a frothy brownish mixture. Tell your bartenders you want a Santorum! –Santorum Haters Open Wide
A friendly bartender whipped up a Santorum Shot for me, SHOW. It looked appropriately disgusting but tasted absolutely divine! I recommend them!
I work in the film business in Toronto and I recently worked on the Dawn of the Dead remake, with Zack Snyder directing.
We were shooting a scene with Sarah Polley and Jake Weber in which they were supposed to be drinking horrible coffee and commenting to each other on its foul taste. I implored Zack to do one take using the term santorum in reference to the coffee. The scene was brilliant, and I told Zack that if he kept it in the movie he’d be making a great contribution to society–and think of all the gossip on the message boards!
At the wrap party they played a blooper reel. When they showed the scene with Jake referring to his coffee tasting like santorum, half the room exploded with laughter and the other half begged to be let in on the joke. I wanted you to know that Hollywood is behind you, Dan. –Rusty in Toronto
If the santorum scene doesn’t make it into the new Dawn of the Dead, RIT, I hope Zack Snyder can at least be persuaded to include the santorum scene on the DVD. Pretty please, Zack?
And now…the new Web site, where santorumphiles can track the spread of santorum, thus sparing santorumphobes from ever having to read “that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” in my column ever again. Santorum sightings, links to Web sites that mention santorum, information on getting the word into The Oxford English Dictionary, and much, much more can be found at www.spreadingsantorum.com.