I read your advice to the 17-year-old HARD, telling him to avoid a threesome because his “gut” told him not to do it. Maybe gay men are regularly given the chance to pick and choose threesomes, but young HARD won’t be so lucky. Being a heterosexual male, I can speak from actual experience–and regret. I had a youthful opportunity to have a threesome with two gorgeous, if somewhat twisted, dorm mates. Like HARD, I was a little freaked by the situation and passed on it. As you implied to HARD, if I was this lucky at 17, certainly other threesome opportunities would come my way when I was older and more mature.

You know what, Dan? I’m 31, and you know how many other chances I’ve had for a threesome with two attractive, nonprofessional females? Zero. HARD should seize what may be his one chance at three-way heaven. –No Other Good Opportunities

Thanks for sharing, NOGO.

A simple remedy for the dreaded “splashback” phenomenon: Lay a strip of toilet paper (approximately six to eight inches) in the toilet bowl prior to letting fly. The poop will land softly on it and prevent all anus/bowl water contact. –Innovative in Carolina

Thanks for sharing, IIC.

This is in reference to your “Brad Pitt coming on Ashton Kutcher’s face” fantasy. Brad, excellent; Ashton, excellent; bondage, excellent. What I don’t get is the coming on the face part. I am a female in a relationship with a male. Through him I have of course become aware of the prevalence in straight male pornography of coming on women’s faces, and now I see that this seems to figure for gay males as well.

No one has ever come on my face, but if they did I know I would feel pretty degraded. So tell me, Dan, why does something that seems so degrading to the other person figure in these fantasies? –Young Enquiring Chick Cum Hater

Coming all over someone’s face doesn’t just seem degrading, YECCH, it actually is degrading, and it’s for precisely that reason so many people get off on it–and I can’t imagine the news that some men and women enjoy doing dirty and degrading things would come as a shock to anyone who reads my column on a regular basis. Coming on someone’s face is not about sweet, sweet love; it’s about hot, hot sex. There’s a “marking my territory” element to it, and I’m happy to report that it’s a kind of symbolic violation of the person whose face is being ejaculated on. As the man comes, he’s thinking, “Oh, yeah, she wants my dick so fuckin’ bad that she’ll let me shoot all over her fuckin’ face.” That same sexy, degrading, erotic charge inspires some gay men to do the same to their partners.

Living in Hollywood, one sees celebrities in their natural habitat with numbing frequency. As luck would have it, the week after you wrote about Brad Pitt coming on Ashton Kutcher’s face I ran into young Master Kutcher outside a French restaurant on Franklin Avenue. I thought it might warm your heart to know that I couldn’t look his direction without picturing gobs of Brad Pitt’s semen dripping off his nose and chin. –Star Grazing in LA

Thanks for sharing, SGILA.

Way to go, Dan! A column that was all sex, no politics, and a huge variety of titillating topics! Just one question. Who the hell is Ashton Kutcher? –Clue Me In

Who is Ashton Kutcher?

Ashton Kutcher is only the most beautiful man on television today. He plays Kelso on Fox’s That ’70s Show and has appeared in a handful of movies (all of them awful), including Down to You, Texas Rangers, and Dude, Where’s My Car? He’s a frequent subject in teenybopper magazines like Teen People and the New Republic. Ashton is so famous that there are currently 40 Ashton Kutcher items for sale on eBay, including an autographed index card, a pair of his pants, and a mint-condition Dude, Where’s My Car? lobby placard.

Not only is Ashton beautiful, he’s also got a broad, open face, with plenty of surface area, and widely spaced eyes, which would make it possible for Brad to shoot him between the eyes without actually getting any spunk in his eyes.

I’ll see your “Brad Pitt coming all over Ashton Kutcher’s face” and I’ll raise you a “Seann William Scott sitting on Jimmy Fallon’s face.” –Fan in Phila

Well, I’ll see your “Seann William Scott sitting on Jimmy Fallon’s face” and raise you a “Jason Sehorn eating Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey out of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s armpits.”

I have to agree with KS in Portland, who felt you shouldn’t spend so much of your column talking about Brad Pitt coming on Ashton Kutcher’s face. I think you should devote your time to other subjects, such as Josh Hartnett riding Ben Affleck’s cock, or Heath Ledger giving Chris Klein a tongue bath, or maybe a hobbit threesome featuring Frodo, Merry, and Pippin. In a column that devotes so much space to disturbing subjects like pain, excrement, and heterosexuals, this would be a welcome relief.

By the way, can’t Ashton come on Brad once in a while?

–Need a Few Minutes Alone

This is my fantasy, NAFMA. Do what you like with Ashton and Brad–and Josh, Ben, Heath, Charlie, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin–in your own fantasies, but in mine Brad will always be coming on Ashton’s face.

I don’t know what public opinion is, but I for one would like to cast a vote in favor of your fantasies appearing in the column, Dan. Actually, maybe you should just run an entire column of your fantasies or reader’s fantasies or a mix of the two. Hearing other people’s fantasies is always fascinating and lets those who beat themselves up over their “twisted” desires know that there are others like them out there. –Have One Today

It’s been a while since we’ve had a contest here at Savage Love, HOT, but your letter has inspired me: I’m inviting my readers to send in their sexual fantasies. I’ll select the best, mix in one of my own, and publish them all in a future column. (Keep it short, folks: just the players, a scenario, and a few details.) Readers whose sexual fantasies are selected for publication will receive a five-dollar bill. Readers who spot my sexual fantasy will be entered in a drawing for a Dude, Where’s My Car? DVD, an index card autographed by Ashton Kutcher, and one-year subscriptions to Teen People and the New Republic.