Hey, everybody: After I mentioned a sexual fantasy of mine in print a few weeks ago– Brad Pitt coming all over Ashton Kutcher’s face–a reader suggested that I devote an entire column to other people’s fantasies. Upping the ante, I decided to have a contest, with prizes going to readers whose fantasies were selected for publication.

Well, after slogging through hundreds of E-mails from straight guys and lesbians who want to do Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nicole Kidman, and the Olsen twins and gay guys and straight women who want to do the guy in the Dell Computer commercials, Russell Crowe, George Stephanopoulos, and John Walker Lindh, I’ve come to the conclusion that other people’s sexual fantasies are boring. Reading about them is like listening to someone tell you about a dream they had: it’s dull, dull, dull.

Therefore, I would like to apologize to my readers for boring you with my own sexual fantasy, and I’m canceling the contest. Many thanks to all who entered, but no prizes will be awarded. Sharing my own fantasy was a mistake, the contest was a mistake, reading all of those E-mails was certainly a mistake. Instead of tossing good column inches after bad, I’m going to cut my losses.

But! I love contests, so I’m replacing the sexual fantasy contest with a bigger, better contest with bigger, better prizes! See if you can guess the nature of the contest as you read this week’s column…

OK, so I’m an 18-year-old girl and I’m a virgin and I want to find some random guy to have sex with. Is that wrong?

–Pissed-off Chick

Call it “narrow-minded,” “mid-Victorian,” “puritanical,” or whatever may come to mind, but sex outside of marriage is unacceptable.

What is wrong with going all the way? Aside from the moral issues, the best reason is this: It isn’t worth the risks. Sex outside of marriage is a bad bargain when you measure what you stand to gain against what you stand to lose. What are the gains? Popularity? Nonsense. The pushovers may get a flurry of attention, but it doesn’t last long. The word gets around, and soon the free and easy “make-out” has a rotten reputation.

My son recently came out as gay. I’m from the city and I’ve known gay people, including some lovely couples, but my born-and-raised-on-the-ranch husband refuses to believe two men can form a lasting bond. He thinks all homosexuals are promiscuous and lonely, and he’s worried for our son. I’ve told him that not all gay people are like that. –Montana Momma

Unfortunately, we are just like that. One of the main features of homosexuality is promiscuity. It stands to reason. Homosexuals are trying to do the impossible: solve the problem with only half the pieces. We say we want sexual gratification and love but we eliminate, right from the start, the most obvious source of love and gratification–women.

My girlfriend and I just had a baby and she’s breast-feeding. We’re concerned about one thing: We smoke pot. Will it harm the baby? –Chicago Couple

This answer is like the answer to many other questions about marijuana: its effects on babies is unknown. But there is certainly a strong possibility it might be excreted in mother’s milk. Your baby is on a good trip anyway when at its mother’s breast, and marijuana probably won’t make it any better. There is possible harm with the use of any drug. Why take a chance?

I’m a 21-year-old straight guy who has always been turned on by rough stuff–nothing extreme, just little bites, slapping her ass while I fuck her, holding her down while kissing. My current girlfriend doesn’t like rough stuff, which is fine. I don’t have to do it. But she tells me that I’m a sadist who hates women and says she’s going to break up with me if I don’t get into therapy. –Rough Stuff in Denver

The toughest problem Christians have with sex is how to feel about their own sexuality. In your case, a tinge of sadism can be a tolerable eccentricity if it is controlled. There is an enormous difference between a slight, seductive sadism, limited to playful skirmishes, on the one hand, and compulsively destructive sadism on the other. Playful sadism between sexual partners is controlled by love; the lover stops when the partner complains.

I have a boyfriend of about three years now who is getting increasingly jealous and possessive and developing little obsessions with guys I see at work during the day. There seems to be no deterring my boyfriend from his mistrust in me, despite the fact that it is unfounded. Is there a way to curb this behavior? –Jealous Boyfriend Troubles

Jealousy is a passion with which those most afflicted are least worthy of love. No couple should allow their associations to develop into an engagement and marriage if either one has any inclination to jealousy. It shows invariably a want of sufficient confidence, and that want of confidence, instead of being diminished after marriage, is liable to increase, until by the aid of imagination and wrong interpretation the home is made a hell and divorce a necessity. Jealousy is always the sign of weakness or madness. Avoid a jealous disposition.

OK, did you guess the theme?

That’s right, it’s plagiarism! In honor of poor Doris Kearns Goodwin and dumb ol’ Stephen Ambrose–two prominent historians caught up in famous plagiarism scandals–all of the answers in this week’s column were lifted from books of advice written by other people. (All of the questions were sent in by my readers.) Here’s how the contest works:

The grand prize goes to the first person to correctly identify all five of the writers whose work I plagiarized and the names of the books I lifted these passages from. I will fly the grand-prize winner to Las Vegas, put him/her up at the Bellagio, and personally join him/her for a long weekend of gambling, hookers, and booze, all of it on me. I’m offering such a grand grand prize because I’m confident that no one will be able to correctly identify all five writers–not even the braying jackasses at the Weekly Standard who exposed Ambrose and Goodwin.

I’m so certain no one will win the grand prize, I’m going to offer a not-so-grand prize to anyone who correctly identifies four of the five. The prize is a trip to Reno, “the biggest little city in the world,” on me. Finally, anyone who can correctly identify three of them gets a subscription to the Weekly Standard. (If more than one person sends in a winning answer–impossible! not gonna happen!–one winner will be selected at random; that person must live in the continental U.S. or Canada. The deadline for entering is March 31, 2003, to give everyone plenty of time to do the research.)