I am an 18-year-old lesbian. My girlfriend of two years is 17. We have not had sex, however, which by my definition is making each other come by whatever means. She is willing to touch me, but she prefers that I not touch her. She was assaulted when she was 15, and the guy turned sexual touching into a nightmare for her. I’ve been really patient and I try not to pressure her but my hormones are raging and I really want to have sex. She knows it, but it seems like it probably won’t happen.

Don’t tell me to dump her; my feelings for her are more important than sex. I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to help her get rid of the “demons of the past.” We love each other and if there’s anything I can do to help her, I want to do it.

–Want to Be Good to Her

You want to help your girlfriend but you don’t want to break up with her. That’s a problem, WTBGTH, because breaking up with your girlfriend is the only way you can help her.

Face facts: Your girlfriend isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else, and you’re not doing her any favors by continuing to see her. She needs to get her ass to a shrink and work on those don’t-touch-me demons, something she’s unlikely to do as long as she has a girlfriend who’s willing to work around them. Your girlfriend has to realize that not confronting them is going to severely limit her sexually and socially, and the best way to make her see that is for you to dump her.

One way or another this relationship is going to end. The longer you have to go without touching her tits or eating her out or braiding her hair or whatever it is teenage lesbians do, the more frustrated you’re going to become. If you end things now, while your frustration is on a low boil, you’ll be able to let her down gently and compassionately; if you wait another two years I guarantee you it will end ugly.

So sit the girlfriend down and say this: “I love you but I need to be with someone who can be touched. I want that person to be you. But I don’t think you’re going to get there while we’re together, so I’m going to let you go, honey, sorry. Maybe once you’ve worked through these issues we can be together again.”

Quick etiquette question: Should one make it a point to say good-bye to the people having a four-way in the living room, or is it best to slip out quietly?

–Not Getting Any

If four people are having sex in the living room and they haven’t invited you to join them, two things can be inferred. First, they don’t want you there. If they did, they would’ve pulled you in. Second, if they’re really going at it, they’ve probably forgotten that you exist. Walking in and saying “I guess I’ll be going, um, thanks for having me over. See you later. OK? Uh…bye” will be perceived as a desperate attempt to remind them that you do exist and to get them to change their minds. Don’t be so pathetic. You weren’t wanted, and reminding the four on the floor that you’re still there only gives them another opportunity to reject you. The only dignified course of action is to slip out quietly.

I am a 60-year-old man who recently lost my wife to cancer. Upon visiting a shrink I came to acknowledge that I’ve been a closeted homosexual for most of my life. I also discovered that I love dressing up in women’s clothes in the privacy of my own home and masturbating to S-M pornography. My shrink asked me if I was hurting myself or anyone else. I wasn’t. He told me to enjoy myself, next issue. Here’s the problem: I divulged all of this to a friend of mine who was horrified by my behavior. Now he has me going to three Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings a week, and I feel awful and ashamed. My SA sponsor is pressuring me to get a new shrink, and my shrink says he will have to stop working with me if I continue going to a group that uses humiliation and shame to bully me about my sexuality. Where do I turn? –Afraid to Masturbate in Midland

Turn to your jackass friend and the jackass killjoys at the SA meetings and tell them that you’ve been cured. Tell them you no longer dress up in women’s clothes, you’ve stopped masturbating, you’ve stopped looking at S-M porn, and you’ve stopped seeing your shrink. Then tell them you won’t be coming to any more SA meetings because you don’t want your recently vanquished sexual addictions to be the focus of your life.

Then go right on seeing your shrink, dressing up in women’s clothes, and beating off to S-M porn. If you want to find someone to indulge your kinks with (which is what you were secretly looking for when you told your friend), take out some personal ads in kink magazines or on Web sites or hire yourself a kinky male escort.

Maybe it’s because I’m high, but I thought a few of those fantasies were hilarious! Perhaps you could include a few of them at the end of the column for a couple more weeks? –Detroit Tony

A lot of folks wrote in to say how much they enjoyed the fantasies sent in by my readers for the canceled Readers’ Sexual Fantasies Contest, with the Smurfette fantasy being the most popular. Just for you, DT, here are a few more:

Oprah Winfrey is being gang-banged by a large group of bodybuilders. She’s into it, begging for their cum, lapping it up whenever she can. At one point, a few of them shoot off into a dog’s food bowl and Oprah picks up the bowl and drinks it down. A videotape surfaces and her career is destroyed. –Oprahphile

Since adolescence, all my fantasies have been about scenarios in which dozens of men lick my snatch for hours at a time. My favorite: My cunt in a state of excitement secretes a compound that makes men’s dicks grow. Men line up for the chance to use their tongues to bring me off. Every morning I choose the hottest six from the crowd outside my door, invite them in, and bind them to a complicated pussy-licking chair. Then I take turns sitting on their faces, and watch their dongs swell to mammoth proportions.

–Special Pussy Enjoys Loving Licks

Prince Harry fucking Prince William up against the shower wall. –Anglophile

I got a fantasy for ya: I go to work and read letters from strangers about sex, all of them addressed to me personally. I break up the monotony by sharing my fantasies, in print, with millions of other strangers. Then I go home and roll naked in all the money I make doing this. –Hate My Job, Want Your Job